Fake Fireplaces

One man says:

“You know, sometimes I can go all day and not actually make any effort to push my consciousness beyond the ordinary verbal level.  I’m not bragging when I tell you this, I’m actually ashamed, although even that’s hard to explain – seeing how no one knows I’m not but me.”



The two basic time zones on this planet are: 
Survival and Post-Survival.
The body runs on one – the mind on the other.



Life told one man:

“Okay, I’ll make a deal with you – I’ll give you your choice:  you can either be effected by everything or just by one thing.  Which will it be, twinkle-breath?”  (The man asked me to ask you people if you could help him out in this.  Screw illusionary choices.)



One man had a bad disease, but dreaming of the place where everything was unnaturally still, and from where you could see everything – cured him.  Actually going there – really cured him!



Some Spiritual Warmth and Assurance from Some City Dwellers by way of a Definition:

Religion:  Fake fireplaces for sham chills.



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Squeaky Wheel

One guy says, “I originally thought that I was a metaphor for all mankind.  Then I thought I was a metaphor for just myself.  And later I believed I was a metaphor for what all men might be; but now I’m just satisfied to be able to stand here and tell you all this.” 



What better advertisement than this could there be for the:

Majesty of Mountains,

The Beauty of Birds,

The Charm of the Seasons,

And the Mind with Its Reasons.



The mind is not a mere merry-go-round if consciousness is the end of the ride.



One man caught a rat in a trap, but when he looked at it closely, it said, “I’m no rat – I’m a squirrel.”  And when he examined it even closer, it said:  “I’m no squirrel – I’m your mind.”  And he said, “Hold it – let’s go back to the rat part.”



A philosopher without a job is like a squeak looking for a wheel.




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Snoops Deserve a Surprise

After seeing a would-be mystical book with the title, “The Resurrection Of The Body,” one man died from the exertion of his subsequent laughter.



One day when he thought his neighbors were spying on him again, this one man began leaping about madly, as he loudly sang:
 “Rip off your clothes,
Throw down your pants,
Ring up your uncles,
Call out the marines.”

He says that snoops deserve a surprise now and then, and his mind asked, “So why not do as much for me!”



Alleged Fact:

No one likes a smart aleck mind.

Alleged Counter Fact:

Yes they do…they just don’t know what to do with it.



One guy pretended that everything happened to everybody else.
(Does anyone catch the brief aroma of a potentially “Smoking Weapon” here?)



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Three Words

Mental Health Examined Before, After, and Side-Ways:

It’s pretty easy to conclude, based on what they think, that most people are nuts, because from a liver’s view – most of what people think is nuts.



One day, one Man thought he heard his mind say, “I’m just a sample of what – could be.”

“Daddy, how long do you think they’re going to keep spelling ‘Man’ with an M?”



Life can be explained in three words – but if you require more, you can also be accommodated.



One man dreamed of a place where it was unnaturally still, and from where you could see everything.  (He could only dream so after he’d been there once.)



Life told one man, “Hey, if you don’t like it around here – go somewhere else.”
(Screw there not being any place else.)



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Grey Matter Gurgle

One man gave his son this practical advice:

“Be nice to people on your way up, cause you ain’t going up.”



A baby mouse asked its mother, “Why do humans treat each other different than we do?” 

And she replied, “Because, my dear, they don’t know any better.”



Niceness, politeness and sympathy are all words delivered with a post-survival twang.



Some Hope for the Deceased:

When mental curiosity’s dead – you dead
(“Hey, what the hell kinda hope you call that!?”)



Some are on a bus,
Some are on a train,

But everyone over eighteen
is on a submarine.

Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle, grey matter gurgle.



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The Business of Life

The main business of civilization is business…which is what makes it so boring.



Some Recently Un-Nerved – I Mean Un-Earthed – “History of Rituals”:

One man told Life, “I want my own personal logo.” 
So Life kicked him in the ganzarbos and said:  “Okay, see those little squiggly lines darting around on your eyeballs – USE THEM!”



Program Reminder For All Of You Armchair Squashes:

If Life ever wants you to “Be Religious,” it’ll let you know personally!
Further Note:
If it ever does attempt to so contact you – LEAVE TOWN!



One man dreamed of a place where it was unnaturally still, and from where you could see everything.



A Survey Concerning Mortal Sustenance Based On Definitions:

Family:  Those with whom you’ll share your food.
Friends:  Those who will share theirs with you.
Life:  Well…why go into that now and spoil your appetite?



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Soreheads in the Sheets

Recently one man pondered thusly:

“Every living thing has an intake opening, and a discharge orifice.  But in seeing our universe as a ‘Closed System’ – where are such things?”

One guy told his brother, “Thinking makes me dizzy!”  And his brother said, “Yeah, but not half as much as if you didn’t!”  And his brother said, “Are you positive?”

Everything has a name, except new mental experience, so men give it old ones.  “Thanks a lot, men,” says one guy.  “Thanks for so long helping keep me lost!  Yeah!  Right!  Thanks bunches, men…you and your damned old words!”  (Drivers are warned to watch out for soreheads in the road.)

Mythological Progress – Debunked:

While everyone else was having spiritual, intellectual and poetic experiences, this one guy was having spiritual, intellectual and pelvic ones…(and to his own personal advantage, says he).

Progress is as progress does, except when in jammies, with their own built-in feet.
Seven people, ready for bed, linked their arms and loudly said, “We don’t get it!”

(You might also watch out for soreheads in the sheets!)


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The Future is Coming

A Viewer writes:

“God, it’s great to hear you talk about doing this kinda thing.  Helps keep me from thinking about how little effort I actually make in this regard.”  (WARNING:  Viewers are everywhere.)

One man had a bad disease.

The Garden of Eden, The Idea of The Womb, Dreams of Past Glories, are all reflected fears of man’s post-survival existence.

You can wait and dread a storm, or fly into the face of it, but the future is coming no matter where you stand.  Under ordinary atmospheric conditions, it is extremely difficult for the chemistry of the brain to ever rise high enough to see over the horizon of its owner’s sense of present.

Being tied to time is to be lashed to your own mechanical level of consciousness.  Being bound to your own native state of consciousness is to be forever a victim and captive of time – a task master who is no friend of any, (shall we say), “unusual mental activities”!   “Be safe,” declares the city.  “Stay home neighbors, and be-e-e safe!”


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Cracks in the Ceiling

One interested party finally reflected to himself, “Why starve the body to calm the mind, is there not, perchance – a more direct approach!?”




A useful tip, via definition, for those forced to take an apartment here for the next few years:

Learned morality: Cracks in the ceiling.




Though certainly never noticed, the purpose behind most ordinary conversation is the attempt by one person to give another person’s mind something to think about.




During times of chill, one man would fill the holes in his teeth with silicone weather-stripping so as to keep the wind out of his brain.




Mundane mystics run the reoccurring risk of trying to catch a rat, while believing that they must first let one in, from without.  One man said to himself, “If I need your help, I’ll ask for it,” and had no response for himself.



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Body & Mind


Why does life make local religious leaders dress up funny?
That’s easy, so people won’t dare laugh at them.


Why do you mentally dress up like every day is Halloween?
Oh, I’m sorry – I thought that was a costume! (Oops!)




As soon as his mind came staggerin’ in, it said:
“I know, I know where you’ve been!?”




A viewer submits:

“I cannot agree with your insinuations regarding the nexus and correlation between man’s mind and his routine physical functions, for if this were so, we’d be wearing underwear on our heads.

Yours sincerely.”




Note to outlaw channel thugs:

If the connection between your body and your consciousness is as close as the one with your mind, then I must tell you that you’re not actually conscious.




“Hey Bert, where’s the tv guide? 

Whatever happened to roller derby anyway, since I banned it from my brain?” 

“Why just look around you, old chum – it is right where it belongs.” 

“No Bert, you mean it is right back where it has always been,”

And now, as we end our broadcast day, instead of the national anthem, we ask you to join us in singing:  “That’s Life.”




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