Summary = TBD
Condensed News Items =See Below
News Item Gallery = jcap 93064 -1133
Transcript = None
Key Words =
The News
93064- 1
A man has one brain;
A thinking man, two;
An independent one, three, and after that, god only knows what goes on!
93064- 2
Local conditions secretly decreed:
“Let all with no talent protest that they have some —
and in that way — no one will ever be the wiser.”
* And, lo — no one HAS been. *
93064- 3
Among man’s experts — there are no experts on man.
93064-4
New ideas do not far go
In the cow’s public market place
That are not some flavored by piss and bile.
93064– 5
One man decided:
“There are in fact two lives going on:
The life-of-life, and the life-of-man,
And trying to take the second one seriously will turn you into a fruitcake! —
or else an ordinary person.”
93064- 6
Definition Time:
Death: Life’s “Extended war-ran-tee.”
93064–7
A psychologist pondered:
“Why will a man laugh at the same joke twice?”
And another man joined in:
“Better yet — why will a man think the same things more than once, and
live the same life, over and over again!?”
93064- 8
Everyone believes in special privileges for the dumb –
Everyone wants special privileges for themselves.
And a viewer writes:
“Sometimes you label certain news features as: ‘How Things Work.’
And my question is: If what you then describe IS actually, ‘how-things-work’,
Then it should be so obvious to everybody that there should be no need for you
To point it out!
What do you say to THAT!?, Mister News Analyzer!?”
I say: I rest my case.
93064- 9
The only intellectual life available to the ordinary is that of a plagiarist and a thief.
93064-10
Some people believe that deep within each person is another person! —
But hell — some people believe that the Grand Canyon is just a staged tourist event.
93064 11
And now back once again to our Definitions Desk for another dip into the honey pot:
Civilization: The collective’s substitute for individual thinking.
93064-12
In the city — men’s primary “nervous habit” is simply — being themselves.
One man warned his son:
“Don’t keep picking-at-that-thing! —
What’d’ya wanna do?! — grow up to be NORMAL!?”
93064 13
News As Regards “Intellectual Travel,” AND The Lack Thereof:
Those who stay in their own home town love to recite the quote:
“A prophet is without fame in his own home town.”
And, Oh! — here’s a new one for you, hot & fresh right off the Proverb News Wire:
What the hell,
What the hell;
What the hell,
What the hell?
If it “makes sense” to you — wear it home! — drive it around over the weekend,
and let me know what you think of it, Monday. Okay’?
93064-14
Then a bit later,
There was another man who mused:
“If there were actually two distinct lives going on here, simultaneously,
Such as a life-of-life, and a Iife-of-man,
And man didn’t know about it ….well — Phew! —
Would THAT give you something new to think about or WHAT!?”
93064-15
Now for this fine, Housekeeping Tip:
If you live in the city and DON’T find a “bug in your rug” THEN you should be concerned!
93064-16
The Creation Story in this one universe goes like this:
After several unsatisfactory attempts,
The Creator finally turned out a thinking, talking creature,
And the first thing it did was criticize the Creator’s efforts in creating him,
And the Creator said: “Well – Finally! — I got it right this time!”
93064-17
At one, level, the “Jackpot Prize” is in realizing what the contest has been about.
93064-18
To a real thinker, the dead give-away is always, “seriousness.”
93064-19
And this item from our, “S Files”:
All seriousness is sham.
93064-20
One man’s take on certain human affairs:
“Trying to carry on a relationship with another person is like
Dancing with a roll of barbwire in a thunder storm:”
.. .(Geeze! …who, or what d’ya figure got his shorts so in a knot!?
…besides, life, that is!?)
93064-21
A Cow’s Lament:
A slip-of-the-tongue,
A slip-of-the tongue,
The herd is a ladder,
And me, the low rung.
(P.S.: This should actually have been entitled: “A Would-Be Independent-Minded Cow’s Lament.”)
93064-22
Okay — maybe just “once more”:
Civilization: Not, “Much to Do About Nothing,” but EVERYTHING that’s done about it.
93064-23
Neural Apparel Guide:
It’s all-right to be ordinary, and have “holes in your pockets” —
For if you live long enough, “holes-in-your-pockets” will become fashionable.
93064-23B
One man concluded that one way to never have the time to have to
Possibly ever “think of anything new,”
Was to first back up, and “correct” everything he’d already thought.
93064 -24
The king’s Minister of Internal Affairs came before him with this report:
“It’s drugs, it’s drugs,
That’s turned some to thugs.”
And after nodding his understanding of the message,
The liege later reflected to himself in private:
“Yet it is some of the most educated and civilized IN court
Who are the dumbest and most unreliable’?
When a thinker says, “Smart” — he means SMART! …not just, “smart.”
93064-25
In one solar system,
From third story windows did local reality throw out accordionists onto bagpipers,
Priests onto drunks,
Drunks onto priests,
And the ordinary onto-the-ordinary — almost entirely covering up potential,
independent thinkers.
93064-26
Life told one man: “Say-y-y,
I don’t particularly care for some of the things you’ve been saying about me.”
Our, Joke for The Day — (Say-y-y!)
93064-27
A Chronology of Routine Downhill Existence:
If you live, you die –
If you die, you coast —
Don’t routinely live.
A, “not-your-ordinary-man” man once thought:
“I’d gladly pay someone smarter than me,
If I could find one who wouldn’t tell me what to do.”
93064-28
Here’s How the Hierarchy Goes:
The crude believe man is worse than he is;
The civilized believe him better;
Those in between just mostly ignore the matter and let it slide
While above it all — real thinkers have a frozen margarita,
as they dream of market-research,
and wait for the band to start.
93064-29
One man looked at his nose and thought:
“Every time I’m predictable, I smell funny!”
93064-30
And now for our, Inspirational Verse for The Day:
Those with small minds,
Are given to whine;
Those with small brains,
Are wont to complain.
“Now — Get Out There Gang — and Shoot An Optimist!”
93064-31
Official “experts” exist only within the collective,
For among true individuals, each man is his own expert.
93064 32
Oh, alright — one more time:
Being civilized: The ULTIMATE “popularity contest.”
93064-33
One man,
(Who could think independently for himself)
Grew to be,
(Quite silently, in private),
Rather “well-liked and popular” WITH himself.
93064-34
One day,
Local Conditions, and Perceived Reality,
While on a spree,
Hid behind a tree,
And decided that the next man who passed by,
They’d — gouge him in the eyes, and kick him in the balls.
(A “man” paid me twenty dollars to slip that in as an actual news item
In our show tonight.)
93064-35
A cow will dance with you — IF you’ll call her “something else.”
“Hey!” I, on your behalf, go ahead and say: “I’ don’t get it!” —
And I KNOW you don’t! — that’s why I always try and call you something else besides “you.”
93064 -36
The local religious lobby has asked that we read the following statement from them:
“God is no ‘cow’! — at least OUR’S is not! —
We don’t know about YOURS — but OUR’S is not.”
93064-37
You can look in a man’s eyes and tell how dumb he is;
You can listen to him speak and tell how serious he is;
You can also do it the other way around.
* “Eschewed,” is how pigs & real thinkers have mirrors. *
93064-38
One man’s private, personal motto was:
“Keep it simple, when around the simple.”
…(he later confided that he usually kept things pretty simple.)
93064-39
And now for some Psychological News from our reporter Bart Farthingale
Who is covering this year’s annual Toy Trade Convention out in Tahoe:
Those not hitting on much neurally will, ofttimes, try and really crank up the old hormones.
93064-40
We are contacted by a man who says he wishes to take this day,
The anniversary of Louis Pasteur’s birth
To tell everyone in the legal profession to, “Bite his ass.”
(He says if you understand this, you should go home,
Use some hot compresses, and file a writ.)
93064-41
Men with Ordinary brains,
Think of Ordinary things.
93064-42
One kid says he now has it figured:
That death is about, “abruptly stopping whatever it is you’re doing.”
93064-43
And
One reporter reminded his audience:
“Remember: Sex DOES ‘make-a-difference’!
but YOU gotta figure it out from there.”
93064-44
And one man writes us to say that he’s concluded that:
“Any time you, buy-&-pay-for anything that you can’t either:
Eat, wear, sleep-with ,
Or that’s not a direct aspect of one of your own personal hobbies,
Then the purchase is simply a part of the continuing testing to see
Just how dumb and desperate you actually are.
93064-45
If you can’t think for yourself, you’ll always be shilling for someone else.
Employment Note: As you have already so well put it:
Shilling is D.U.M.B.
93064-46
The “Law Of The Jungle,
Is the same as the “Law Of The City” — just under a different name.
93064 -47
Everybody’s for everything! ….until they start TALKING about it
93064-48
Giving human emotions priority IS “Civilization.”
93064-48-(B)
And some late-breaking, advanced Psychological News:
One man finally became SO angry that he drove a truck! –
and with absolutely NO understanding of the significance OF his act!
93064 49
Progress, As Executed In The City — In The City Of Ordinary Minds, (That Is):
Anything new that is less clear and direct as that which it replaces.
93064-49B
Finding fault with the collective is one sure way to preserve your position there IN.
93064 -50
One man’s, Rule Of Life:
“Never speak to anyone in a foreign country! — even if they live in your own head.”
93064-51
Law: The more apparently complex the problem,
The greater number of cows who will gather to discuss it.
93064-52
Nuther Law: If you can’t be intimidated you ain’t normal.
93064-53
And Still Another One: It’s better to solve a problem than to go on a cruise!
— Unless you’re a thinker! …that is–
You’re not normal.
93064-54
One Master-thinker’s Maxim:
If it hurts, don’t do it;
If it costs, don’t buy it;
If it’s agreeable to others–don’t think it.
93064-55
“Stiff opposition” only arises after something has “come alive.”
93064-56
Additional Info Related to Civil Employment:
If you shill for ANYBODY — you work for chump change.
93064-57
Some more, “Most Excellent Advice for The Would-Be, Super Sophisticated:
If you’re in the running for the Chancellorship of the university,
Don’t let them catch you talking to a duck.
93064-58
And one kid gave HIS kid this advice:
“If you’re in the midst of city life and they offer to either,
Name a law after you, or else a vegetable — stop and ask yourself:
‘Just who ARE “they”?'”
93064-59
And in one place,
Local reality gave one man “special permission” —
That any time he wanted to say: “You stupid mutherfucker!”
He could substitute the words: “Me.”
930 64 -60
Progress On The Move:
One man would no longer let insects “push him around”! —
— He’s now at work on overcoming the FEAR OF, “insects pushing him around.”
Where EVER he looked,
This one man (who could think some),
Would SEE new stuff, worth thinking about.
93064-61
All animals make their appropriate noise —
Shhh! — listen out for the Dumb.
930 64 -62
How One Real Thinker Handles Everyday Ideas:
If it’s second-hand — don’t give it a second thought.
93064-63
The progress of cows is not the progress of eagles.
93064 -64
No one would like their true, “intellectual superior,” and thus no one sees one.
…and local conditions took a bow, smiling that devilish smile it smiles so well.