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News Item Gallery = jcap 96044 (1579)
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The News
1579 96044 4/15/96 Copyright J. M. Cox 1996
96044-1,2
A viewer writes:
“I have been watching and enjoying your show, but with one complaint —
although I find many of your little stories quite interesting,
I often feel, at their conclusion, that I failed to get the point.
Could you perhaps specifically spell out the morals intended?
Sincerely….” etc.
…Why, certainly! (canker brain) you got it!
…And the viewer adds: “Well, no need to be nasty about it.”
Yeah…you’re right (as always).
But, now, on with the news.
We open with a Zoological Update:
Warthogs exist so that hyenas can have someone to laugh at.
…And presenters of the news exist so that…(well, never mind that,
let’s move on to something more important).
96044-3
One day,
while sitting at home alone — just him, his body, and his mind —
a man looked at the latter two and pondered:
“Which one of you has given me the greater pleasure in life —
my body with all of its physical joys, or my mind with its
counterparts?…”
He reflected on this for a while with no conclusive results,
and finally picked up a book and headed for the bathroom.
Moral: A kingdom perceived to be divided amongst itself
will generally find its greatest joys sitting down.
…Man’s mind has done many things to him — though not as many as he
believes.
On one world, the preeminent creatures, in an attempt to accelerate their
progress by altering the prevailing situation,
began to wear their trousers on their head
while covering their privates with their hats…
until someone told them that the beings on Earth did the same thing as a
joke.
Moral: It’s hard to know which way to turn if you’re not actually going
anywhere.
…Man’s mind has shown him many things — except the way out of itself.
96044-4
A man grabbed the microphone and said,
“I have an important announcement to make.
If you want to ‘get ahead’ in life, complain!
…And, if that doesn’t work, whine!”
And a guy in the crowd thought,
“Though my aim may be different, I still like the approach.”
96044-5
One man had a pet lion and a pet parrot,
two obviously quite different creatures,
and yet…
over his years with them,
he came to see that they were in fact
not as different from one another as he (same as you) had originally
believed.
Moral: Nothing is more domesticated to man than his own continuing flawed
concepts.
A certain man, upon hearing this story, contacted life and asked,
“Is saying that ‘continuing flawed concepts’ are native to man
an accusation or an objective notation?
And, if the latter,
is then the key word ‘continuing,’
in that it is not his normal mental destiny for it to ever terminate?”
Moral: You cannot “repair” something that is not yet finished.
96044-6
The minimal evidence of one’s “normalcy”
is in believing that man-the-collective should “be better,”
and the ultimate proof thereof is in the failure to act thereon
individually.
Rather than wasting any more time reading,
one man established in his own mind The Idiot Of The Month Club.
…(Which he later revised, to better reflect the reality of the situation,
to Idiot Of The Moment.)
Preview Of Coming Attractions:
Those who understand more never criticize any but themselves —
and then only in private —
lest it become a discussion and thus squander its usefulness.
96044-7
The reason that the brain cannot comprehend what it would be like
if its presently unused areas were operational
is because this can only be comprehended by the new, presently unused
areas of the brain. Neat, huh?
96044-8
After doing one of the local gods a favor,
the deity, in return, offered to tell the man The Secret;
though admitting he couldn’t do so directly,
he told the man that The Secret could be spelled out using the letters
M, O, T, R, O, W, M, O,
and after pondering this for a moment the man spat back,
“Hell, all that does is spell tomorrow!”
And the divine one pouted, “Well…it could spell something else!”
Moral: At the normal level, “enlightenment” depends on how dumb you are.
96044-9
The reason men so adore their nighttime dreams
is the same basis on which military men admire a well-executed
close-order drill.
As one civilization was hoisted by its nipples, it exclaimed,
“I am not a parade! — I am a man!”
(Which certainly gave the hoisting mechanism a good laugh.)
96044-10
How To Test For Your Own Simplicity:
Just ask yourself these three questions.
One — Do you believe that your internal states are effected & directed by
external events?
Two — Do you take the thoughts that pass through your mind to be your own?
And Three — Do you think that was only two questions?
…Keep in mind that, in spite of such inquiries,
an alligator’s potential understanding of reptilian reality is severely
limited.
…(Read: minimal —
read: crocodilianly so.)
Moral: What’s the use in telling people about the
wondrous mountain kingdom of Shangri-la
when all they’re interested in
is a continual remapping of the valleys and gulches?
Note: The Federal Trade-Off Commission has issued a bulletin
confirming your suspicion of how little interest there is in
tests for people’s simplicity.
96044-11
In normal mental conflict, it is only the conflict itself that is of any
value — not a conclusive outcome or victory. Hard to remember, huh?
96044-12
“Ohhhh!” the man moaned, “I am so beset by transversity. Ohh, the
transversity.”
And someone asked, “Do you mean adversity?”
And he replied, “Yes, but mine moves about. Ohhhh.”
Moral: “Progress” (in quotation marks) amongst the ordinary
can be tricky to measure.
96044-13
On one planet, some of the beings had a tape recorder in their head,
and others, a word processor,
still others, a camera.
Boy, are there some weird worlds out there, or what?
96044-14
When one man heard a health warning concerning addictions that said
if you think you might have a problem with alcohol, you probably do,
he thought: “Shame the same’s not so regarding stupidity.”
96044-15
One of the unheralded singularities of The Secret
is that it is the only thing hidden from man
the discovery of which is not aided by looking for it.
No, it is not true that life has a perverse sense of humor —
what’s happening is that the mind normally only sees, at best,
three-fifths of what’s actually occurring,
which limited view tends to produce in men
feelings of them having been assaulted by irony, mockery, and travesty.
Moral: Where does a blind man playing Blind Man’s Bluff
get off being pissed when he loses…again?
96044-16
There is nothing you can do with the subcortical realm of yourself other
than assist the body in being as healthy as it can be;
above that level, there is nothing you can actually do other than
attempt this kinda stuff. Narrows down the focus of life, huh?
96044-17
The danger of spitting in the wind (when you don’t know what you’re
doing) is that you are the wind.
…(And, could they comprehend this,
many a man would then say, “Ah! — so that’s why it’s so sloppy and
painful!”
96044-18
The Supreme Diagnosis For Every Normal Person
The operations of your mind seem perfectly fine —
as long as you aren’t paying any attention to them.
Curious, huh?
96044-19
One legend says that, after Adam finally realized what
being thrown out of The Garden actually represented in his life,
he immediately became this planet’s first would-be mystic,
but God quickly caught on to what he was about to attempt,
and to counteract it
offered Adam a weird-looking robe and hat to play with —
which successfully distracted him.
Moral: Aren’t you — his children — ashamed of yourselves?
(…Well…I guess not.)
96044-20,21
One reason that men are satisfied to live at their natural level of
awareness is that it protects them from having to write their own material.
Definition time:
Collective Consciousness — the ultimate “ghost writer.”
…”I beg your pardon, but shouldn’t that be ‘life’ you’re referring to?”
Well, yes, but I had no idea I was talking to anybody
who actually understood anything. My apologies to you.
96044-22
You certainly gotta be well behaved to get on the train, but
being well behaved once you’re on won’t get you anywhere.
Moral: It’s only “tough titty” if you don’t realize that it’s tough titty.
Note: The reason men so enjoy stories with a moral
is because it gives the illusion of finality.
…Oh yeah: That viewer who contacted us at the beginning of the show
has done so again to say,
“Okay, I give! — enough already with the ‘morals.'”
96044-23
One way to tell that someone who claims to know The Secret does not
is that they are secretive and serious about it.
…Or else they’re delighted to tell you about it for a dollar ninety-eight,
which includes an autographed picture of themselves.
96044-24,25
If the true “problem” (as men want to call it)
is simply his state of mental consciousness, then consider this:
The simple of the world call it “sin,”
the more sophisticated refer to it in terms of “psychological difficulties,”
while the overall more civilized of the planet think of it in the context of
“the need for the continuing cultivation of humanity.”
Now, for all everyday purposes, this sufficiently covers it,
but — for anyone still with me on this — it does not.
…All of the above noted notions are too operationally vague,
and too uncertain in their aim
to be of any practical use to those with a more active grasp of
what it is that is at the base of this perceived, indigenous, mortal
“problem.”
Moral: A man who realizes that he suffers from a bee sting
will not accept a body cast as proper treatment.
Once upon a time, a man wrote to life and asked:
“Dear Life, Just what is a ‘problem’?”
And life replied: “You’re talking to him.”
96044-26
Many have been the number who rode off on The Great Mystical Quest,
but only the few never returned.
…And a boy asked his father,
“But–”
“Yeah, I know,” said the old man, “You don’t ‘get it.'”
— (Da-da da da-da da!)
96044-27
Examining himself in an unusual mirror, a man so reflected,
“If the heart stops pumping, a man stops living,
and if lungs quit inhaling, a man quits living,
and if the kidneys cease to function, a man ceases living,
but if the mind stops a’mindin’, what happens then?…”
And the mirror cracked.
96044-28
There was a man whose ability to pay his phone bill finally ran out.
…Actually, his ability to pay didn’t run out,
his inclination to do so did.
One night Buddha and a bunch of the guys were sitting quietly
around the campfire, staring into the flames,
when one of them suddenly turned to Buddha and said,
“Oh, I’m sorry, what’d you say?”
And Buddha replied, “I didn’t say anything.”