title tbd
Audio = Stream from the bar; download from the dots
12/03/1993
Summary = TBD
Condensed News Items = See Below
News Item Gallery = jcap 93128 -1213
Transcript = None
Key Words =
The News
Charity begins with the physical, and thereto, does it end.
…..A man who hangs out a sign that offers to help you in
matters nonphysical is also unwittingly, advertising the fact
that he cannot so, help himself.
…..As the boys were finishing off the last of the late night
coffee, Cookie came over to the camp fire with the smothering
blanket and said: “Well Ringo, does that about cover it!?”
***
Inspiring Maxim — Updated And Un-Sedated:
No man stoops so low as when he stoops low enough to be
himself.
…..One word said to another word: “Quick! Slap me and revive
me before those humans get their hands on me again.”
***
A Standard Issue Mind: The world’s only “Shadow Detector”
that can’t detect shadows.
…..As the Royal Priest stood over the crib of the just born
prince, he asked the King: “Do you want me to say some sort of
appropriate words?” And the King replied: “Yeah …I guess so.”
…..The human mind picked up its mode of operation by observing
the sun rise & set.
***
…One man thought — (“Thought,” that is): “If I were
thinner than I am now I could hold twice as much.”
…..Within thirty-six hours after driving the young thinking
creatures from their original paradise, the gods, in return gave
them, gem clips — to help guide their way to discovering that
things that “go together,” should, “go together.”
***
As the alien visitors motioned to him to “pose for a
photograph,” the man mentioned to them: “I have a dog on a leash
— and life has me.”
…..A well known man in a local city says: “I don’t understand
it! – But I don’t have to! – I live here!”
…..Then there was this one other man who was “distinguished”
— in his spare time.
***
And here’s another bit of humor taken from our “Big Book Of
Philosophical Cartoons”: One guy asks another guy why
advertising has so little effect on him, and the second guy
replies: “Everyday, unscripted people are boring enough, and
when they’re given scripts, it’s just that much worse.”
***
The Mind: A Minor Reflection
The mind is rain;
The mind is a hole the water drains into.
…..As he was fleeing the scene, life shouted out to one man:
“Don’t try and hide behind titles!” And the departing mortal
shouted back: “Then why’d you give ’em to me!?”
…..Since he had no real relatives, one man was related only to
himself.
*The Mind: A Major Reflection*
***
It’s in the nature of kids to wanna “fool around,” and in
the nature of the disappointed to wanna “grow up” — and, die!
…..When one of the potential “Real People” was captured by the
opposing, evil “Forces Of Habit,” they tortured him by forcing
him to try and describe the kind of person he might be, and thus
ruined any chance he may have had of ever actually becoming so.
***
As he sat at the piano, he looked down at his hands, and at
the keyboard and reflected back: “Had I practiced more, I could
have been somebody.” He then stood and quickly left the room
before the risk arose of him moving this musing any further up
his anatomy.
***
Trying to specifically describe to someone how to become
more conscious is like unwittingly, trying to get them to drive
their own personal bus over a cliff; but there are built in
safeguards, to wit: first: You can’t describe it adequately;
and second: Even if you could, they wouldn’t try it; and third:
Even if you could, and even if they tried, still no harm would be
done inasmuch as it’s all just symbolism, and no one’s actually
driving their own bus around.
…..See, how safe, warm and easy it is to verbally “get out”
of this any time you want!? “Indeed, yes,” responds a chap, “and
that is no longer my concern; all I want to know now is how to
get back IN it!” …(I say! Is it just my imagination, or have
we not been confronted with such sentiments several times
before!?)
***
Now for some Entertainment News by way of a Definition:
Liberated Consciousness: The best show in town.
***
After this one kid began attending school, (which I probably
intend as a metaphor for something more expansive), he soon asked
himself: “If you have to raise your hand to relieve your
evacuation systems, and you have to ask god to bless your food
before you eat it, and you have to wait twenty years before you
have sex, then what sort of requisite preface should we expect in
the nourishment and satisfaction of the intellect!?” …(And the
potential, Real People nippers all shouted out: “None!”
***
Office Management Tip
Different size rubber bands are packaged and sold according
to a number they’re assigned for the same reason that men are
given individual names.
***
Progression #342 In C Major
It’s hard not to think;
It’s hard not to think of crap;
It’s hard not to conclude that most of
What we think about is crap.
…..In deference to the Equal Time Fairness Doctrine, we herein
present Life’s spokesperson, Local Reality, with this rebuttal:
“Thinking about crap — glorious crap! It’s what made us the
splendiferous people and beacons of civilization that we are
today! Hey.”
***
Sportsman Quiz
If being civilized is a “turkey shoot” — guess who’s the
turkey!?
***
More Helpful Hints From Mr. Biscuit — (Formerly, Mr. Fix-It):
How The Ordinary Can Tell They’re Alive: They’re alive if
they think they’re alive.
***
If you’re sellin’, you’re shillin’, cause you got nothing
original to sell.
…..The danger in even just saying someone’s name is that it’s
then too easy a step to them becoming your hero.
…..Ah …but then on the brighter side: If you plagiarize,
there’s always the chance that you’ll become someone’s hero.
….. Fill my boots full of shit,
Lean me up at just a slight tilt;
Prop me up beside the library when I die.
***
Psychology Explained! — While You Wait
All desires are “subconscious.”
….. Psychology Better Explained! — While You Wait
All desires are subconscious, that is, all of them arise
from the subconscious.
….. Psychology Really Explained
— (As Long As You’re Already Here)
All desires arise from the subconscious — including the one
to be conscious.
…..What more need be said!?
***
One kid said: “The stupid smile a lot.” And one of his
buddies replied: “So!? So do hyenas, and chimps, and
politicians.” And a woman riding by on a motorbike added: “You
forgot embarrassed entertainers.” Later that day the first kid
thought: “Seems to me that ‘stupid’ should ‘ave covered it.”
…..After hearing of this episode, one of our on-call experts,
Professor Explosion, had this comment: “There is an inherent
danger in being selective regarding lapses in human
intelligence, in that if you’re the one categorizing such gaps
your efforts drop you down at least a rung below those whom
you’re noting.” But, hey Professor, lighten up — why not!? Is
that not after all the very, “Catch-your-own-thrown-javelin-in-
your-own-sweet-mouth” nature of the mind!? …Professor? Oh
Professor!? Are you still there!?
…..Okay: A closing reminder from our Social Conscience
Corner: “Only the stupid care what happens to the stupid.”
***
A viewer writes: “Okay — if we’re all in ‘show business’
— then how come I ain’t more popular and famous?” Yeah, yeah —
that’s what everybody asks.
***
Anyone who does not realize that words are literally alive
and active, are themselves, intellectually short in these
regards.
…..One man cried out: “Words make me sick!” And words called
back: “Just wait’ll you see your condition without us!”
***
Yeah-h-h! …But The Good Cost Efficiency News Is:
If you are conscious only through the mind, there is no
upkeep expense.
…..Yay-y-y! — time for “The Good Guy’s Quiz Game”: Question:
Why “dwell on the negatives” of being human? Proper Response:
“Because that’s part of being human!” …(Offstage, Improper
Response: “Well — stuff that!”)
***
Only the dumb are vain — but hey! Only the dumb have
anything to be vain about!
…..As the weekend would draw nigh, this one civilization would
ofttimes leave town.
***
All habits are the same — the names are just changed to
protect the weaklings.
***
One July a father said to his son: “You can get many
people’s attention by simply being insulting.” And the boy
replied: “But why would you ever want the attention of people
this would work on!?” And he gave the lad a fresh summer prune.
…..In a land halfway, “far, far away” from here, a wide old
king, who’d “seen it all,” (or at least as much as he cared to),
said to the boy they’d recently hired to be prince: “Remember,
young regent — unless you have: A nice electric guitar, an
original, ‘song-in-your-heart,’ and a real case of the horns —
you ain’t on a mission from nobody!”
…..Query: If there was a connection between these two stories,
would you see what it was? …Would you admit it?
***
First thing every morning this one guy’d say: “Don’t call
me — I’ll call you!” And his mind’d play dumb and say back:
“Who?”
***
Science Marches Ever
Theorem RK-18: If you think weird thoughts you’ll become
real weird.
Theorem RK-19: If you’re real weird you’ll think weird
thoughts.
***
A more conscious man’s attitude toward everyday thoughts is
like a traffic cop’s toward passing motorists: First, stop ’em,
then decide what to charge ’em with.
***
Irony: One of life’s gentler trashings of man’s
expectations.
***
As he knelt to pray, in the Sacred Library, one man so
intoned: “If words be for me — who can be against me!?
…Except more words!”
…..A viewer writes: “Did you one time say that death is a
metaphor for life, or that life is just a metaphor for death?”
…..In his daily intellectual battles, one man would ofttimes
think of his own mind as that: “Lean, mean surrendering
machine.”
***
A certain “young man” of proper, “young man age” made this
note: “Early on I was sure that my own internal script would be
writ by the likes of a Plato, or a Shakespeare, but I find it
being played out by the cast of the Beverly Hillbillies.”
…..After Freud and Aristophanes died, there arose in the Land
Of Odd the T.S. School of Psychology — Tough Shit. …(But now
only birds with beards can recall its primary thrust.)
***
How To Stay In A Stupefied State Of Consciousness:
Wake up every morning in your own bed.
***
During the excitement of the winning SAT score, one boy
suddenly climbed high atop the principal’s head and declared:
“If life is a joke, then I am Batman.” And someone in the crowd
called out: “I believe you mean that if life is the Joker, then
you are Batman.” And the lad yelled back: “Yes, that also.”
…..Failing the entrance exams to civilization’s institutions
is not necessarily the worst thing that can happen to some —
being accepted, is.
…..One hombre strummed his guitar and sang: “I wanna move to
the outskirts of town.” And a kid helping clean up the
chuckwagon hummed: “I wanna move to the outskirts of me!”
***
Some Help And Good Directions For Kids On The Playground
All words are myths — all myths are words — get you some
ice cream, and run on off.
***
Rituals: Habits at their hoped-for best.
***
In case you didn’t realize that the intellectual food chain
goes any lower. catch this recent finding: Those who talk about
their racial, or nationalistic backgrounds are even worse off
than those who just talk about themselves — (in that well known,
pseudo-individualistic manner.)
…..And a viewer writes to ask: “Is that why …” Yes,
viewer, that’s why!
***
One man says that he can no more understand how his mind
can, at one time, entertain an idea that is directly opposed to
one he has had at another time, any more than he comprehends how a
thermos bottle knows whether to keeps its contents hot or cold.
Overhearing this, his son responded: “That’s an easy one, Pop —
the difference is that they make you go out and BUY the thermos.”
And his father seemed relieved to say: “Oh.”
***
After he died, as a reward for nothing in particular, the
gods gave this one man his choice of either writing his
autobiography, or having his private parts warmed up in a
microwave.
***
Epic Based On The Theme Of “Internal Liberation”:
When the mind is free, it’s free from me. (“Me” being a
synonym for everything.)
***
And now for another item from our files of: “Weird! But
True As A Turnip”: Those who note the oneness of things, have by
so doing, disrupted same.
***
As the Mighty C grew pensive, and turned his gaze far beyond
the confines of Rome, he mused: “Does the fault, dear Brutus,
lie in our thoughts, or in the mechanism we have to carry them?”
***
And now that feature of the show we call: “A Moment Of
Reflection”: Memories are like kites — you can get cheap ones
down at the Stop & Go for a buck ninety-eight or so.
***
Once the elephants had been wiped down and put safely to
bed, the MIghty H turned to his conquering troops and directed:
“Go throughout the city, and round up all of their local words,
then — run ’em out of town!”
***
Nonphysical Entertainment: Letting someone else do your
thinking for you.
***
One day, not too far away, a Mighty Academician stood on a
hill and declared: “The history of man is the history of crap!”
And just then the mid period of the Byzantine Empire flew
directly overhead, and unloaded on him, a two ton gift of deadly
doo.
…..Moral: Men dicker with fate at their own peril —
…unless you’re dickerin’ on someone else’s behalf. Moral:
Always dicker in someone else’s name.
***
One young homemaker now says he looks at those kinds of
thoughts he has that are supported by normal words and reason as
a kind of slippery kitchen floor his consciousness must tread on,
first thing each morning.
***
Item: The Neural Patterns The Collective’s Perceptions
Impose On The Individual’s Mind. Subtitled: Sluts On A Bus.
One man said to another passenger: “Pardon me sir, but I am sure
this is my seat — I recognize the stains I left from sitting
here.”
…..The Civil Committee For Decency And Straight Forward
Duplicity Immediately Responds: “We — speaking collectively —
do not see at all what this sordid little tale has to do with the
intellectual processes of civilized men and women.” And while
Captain Irony remained crouched down in the cake, awaiting his
signal to spring forth, he thought: “Right! I’ll just bet they
don’t!”
***
Another way to help study why things work as they do is to
remember that no matter what time it is where you are it is
always some other time some place else.
…..One parish asked one borough: “Does that explain
EVERYthing?” To which it replied: “Yes, everything.”
***
The Head Librarian at this one outpost would tell all who
passed through the doors: “You can add raisins to anything.”
***
Question: How many times has someone tried again to describe a
state of consciousness possible, but one that man is not
naturally born to? Answer: How many seconds are there in the
time back to pre-history.
Next Question: How do you spell “infinity”? Next response:
There are two ways: One is, “The Human Mind,” and the other is:
“Way beyond the human mind.”
Next Question: Who makes up these questions, anyway!?
***
A certain recently discovered, “neo-sophisticated tribe,”
living just on the invisible outskirts of a large city, have as
their group motto this sentiment: “Anyone who can be offended by
gnats is certainly not an elephant.” Another interesting aspect
of their culture is that they no longer have an Entertainment &
Arts section in their newspapers due to the fact that reviews and
critics columns would all always somehow crawl over and
miraculously appear amidst the comics.
…..A man in a sweater reacts to all of this just so: “If
being blind becomes an acceptable excuse for not seeing, then we
— as civilized people — are all in trouble.
***
How Conflicting Religions Began,
On This Planet:
The first one believed that Habit was the sole source of
evil; then came one which thought that habit was the sustaining
force of creation; and following that, appeared a religion which
claimed that Habit was the actual basic fuel that ran the
machinery of reality. So! You can see how it all started.
***
The Muse of the city proclaimed: “Let all of those with
limited intellects stand and shake their booties!” And they did;
the great urban spirit then declared: “Now let everyone stand
and shake it!” And they did.
***
Those who like to talk about man’s subconscious are
themselves just barely conscious.
***
In a land where nothing need be explained — everybody has
to try and explain everything.
…..Say, boys & girls — would you like to guess the name of
one such nearby land?
***
Here’s a follow up to an important story we broke for you
earlier last year: The latest leanings in the psychiatric
community is that ignorance is not caused by the rats in your
toilet, but rather by the existence of sewers themselves.
…..One man had all of the thoughts he needed just by looking in
the dictionary — …(Along with climbing in and out of certain
holes in the ground.)
***
You can remember this — (if you wish): The parts you let
publicly show are not your conscious parts.
***
Doctor Posey’s Postulate
“The nice thing about actually being sick is that you can
feel bad with what approaches, a stamp of validity.”
….. Theorem From The Unknown
Civilization provides man with institutions and certified
professionals so that someone can officially preside at his
downfall.
….. The M.U. (Mortal Universal) Principle
It’s in ‘im, and it’s got to come out. …(Sometimes known
as, “The Hooker Mandate.”)
***
Another “Mortal: What Is It?” Quiz What is both a promise and a threat? A boon and a bur? A
saddle and a sore? …Ah, shit! You’re right — it’s too
simple!
…..Wait! Okay, here’s another one: Why do only humans,
“ask questions”? Ah hah! Take that one!
***
To feel you’re alone, renders you alone.
***
Some good advice for you youngsters in our audience:
Repeating your thoughts will cause hair to grow in your palms.
…..And now some sound investment suggestions for all you
retirees out there: One man moved to Florida so that he’d no
longer be living in Delaware.
…..A viewer sends along this interesting question: “Just how
old, or young do you have to be for any of this to make sense?”
***
As they sat on the recently completed wooden sidewalk, in
their favorite chairs, in the warm noon day sun, the assayer said
to the deputy sheriff: “The last time I saw any ‘good advice’
ride into this town it already has a hole shot in its mouth.
***
The Illusion Of Automatic Individuality
Exploded Before Your Very Ears
For Your Personal Edification And Enjoyment
All of the ordinary are generic.
***
How To Be An Intellectual In Most Cities
Never say exactly what you mean.
***
One man thought so little of people in general that he
wouldn’t even take the time to insult anyone individually. We
will not, at this point, identify this person.
***
And now for some “Good News”: Inasmuch as man is progress
— there’s no way that progress can pass you by. …(Yes
indeedie! “Good News” for the gullible.)
…..”Daddy, what was our family name before it was, ‘Passive
Retentive’?” “Why son, I don’t rightly reckon we had one ‘fore
that.”
— And all the way to the bank, did the city mightily laugh. —
***
And now for an Economics Update: There is only one
worthwhile investment in civilization for a more conscious person
and it doesn’t exist. Moral: Chuckle is as chuckle does.
…..With the smug air of superiority, so natural and endemic to
man, a man stood over a beaver and declared: “Well, stupid I may
be! But at least I’m a stupid human and not a stupid beaver!”
Moral: Swim-away is as swim-away is.
….. Definition
Silence: The supreme, prototypical dam.
***
And we had another question come in for Professor Explosion:
“Dear Professor: I do so have fun with my mind — are you sure
that I must eventually ‘give-it-up’ to get any further in my
conscious development?” (The professor didn’t come in today.)
***
Update: If philosophers are those without the guts to go
on, then poets are those without the guts to even be
philosophers.
***
In the myths regarding the gods separating heaven from
earth, the land from the water, the fish from the fowl, to a keen
ear, resonates the pre-echo of consciousness being rent from the
mind.
***
As concerns thoughts, in light of certain fiscal
considerations, one man has this to say: “Why buy, when you can
lease!?”
***
Definition
The Civilized: Men with footballs, on a soccer field.
….. Question
Why waste consciousness on just the mind?
…..And one of the younger players asked: “Is it true that
only the goalkeeper can touch it with his hands?”
***
Question: If you can’t take the original thinking of another
how’re you gonna handle your own should it come!?
***
The real mystique of a mystique person is that they don’t
have any, thus you never notice them and realize that they are.
***
Okay — here’s the deal: Feel what you think and think what
you feel.
***
Item: “The Proper Practice Regarding The Mind”:
Grease it!
***
Speaking for many, one man pondered: “Is it the simplicity
of this that throws you? Or the throwing-of-yourself that clouds
the simplicity!?”
…..Will discovering the cave from whence the dragon came
destroy the reality of the dragon.
…..One man said: “I awaken every morning with a song in my
heart.” And his partner, obviously annoyed, added: “I too —
but alas — in my case it is with ‘me-in-my-head’!”
….. Tra la la,
Tra la la;
Tra la la la la.
***
The Human Mind: A well with no bottom.
Liberated Consciousness: Dynamite in a bucket.
….. Tra la la,
Tra la la;
Tra la la la la.