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The News
The Clinical Reality Of It Laid Bare Before Your Very Eyes
For Your Personal Edification And Relief: Any ordinary man who
“speaks with certainty” on human affairs, knows that he is not
actually certain! — Or (in the alternative) — is a spooky
saphead.
***
One civilized-creature smiled seductively at another and
said: “Let’s take off our clothes and get ‘serious’!” And the
other one replied: “I believe you have that backwards.” The
woods spat in the dirt and told Ken & Barbie: “Put on some
threads and get outta here!” The city awaited, near-by — with
open arms, and closets full of fashionable duds. Sometime later,
while Mary and The Lamb were out tending the urban fields, Ken
said to Barbie: “I don’t mind intellectually dying so much as
long as I know I’ll be laid out in haberdashery splendor.” The
ole Blues-Meister re-tuned once again and noted: “What more can
a po’ boy ask for than that the city furnish him with a properly
distracting hobby!”
***
All reasonable, ordinary men know that advice is
meaningless, useless and a crop of shit — that’s the only reason
they’ll solicit it — and, so freely give it away.
***
One man says he’s watched our show; he says he’s pondered
much of what’s been said: He concludes by saying: “Ahh-h-h —
life’s far too complicated to actually ‘think’ about.” Another
— “Satisfied Customer”: See, that’s the neat thing about
either: “thinking-more-than-you-have-to,” or not! — If you’re
ordinary, and plan to stay that way — it doesn’t matter much
whether you do or not.
***
In attempting to bring to an end, cross words they were
having, one man said to the other: “Well — it’s all going to
come out even anyway — ’cause you can’t help being what you are,
and I can’t help disliking what you are.”
***
Personal anecdotes can prove anything in the life of man —
…which is how most stuff gets proved. If you’ll please step
over this way we’ll try and entice out another one of our fine
definitions for your family entertainment: God: The “Everyman’s
Notion” of the ultimate anecdote. …(For those of you less
religiously inclined, instead of the word “God” you may
substitute “Death” …or even “A Post-Graduate Degree.”) As one
man fell head-long into that great “homely hole” he was
a’thinkin’: “Gladys will never-r-r believe this when I tell
her.” Yes friends — never forget! — you too are a human and it
is “up-to-you” to let people know about it!
***
A man, obviously beginning to drift from the city, said: “I
am no longer so much ‘concerned’ about things that have concerned
me as I am about those things that heretofore never did!”
***
Definitions Time Again: Sacred Scriptures: Heroes you can
put on shelves. Plagiarism: Heroes you can refer to again and
again. Fear: Fear that you’ll run out of heroes and books to
plagiarize. Originality Of Thought: The cure for all
“definitions.” And a cow thought: “Whew! — boy is my mind
clear! — Hey! — too clear, in fact.” And thus did a local
bovine commence the miraculous journey from the mental barn-yard
to the mortal big-time. * “I think — therefore I no longer have
to ‘Moo’.” *
***
How It Seems From The Civilized Side Of The Ballroom:
Hormones wanna boogie — neurons wanna look for a reason why they
shouldn’t. Extended View: At times when this, unfeasible seems,
neurons will counter and say: “Very well — but instead of the
boogie — let us do the waltz.” Definition vis a vis A Medical
Anomaly: Criminals, The Crippled, & Other Social Outcasts:
Those on whom the Minuet Inoculation did not take.
***
One man advised his son: “If you admit that someone can
‘bug you’ — then they can bug you!”
***
Then there was yet this other man, who — let the
collective-lead part of his thinking toward Broadway turn as he
softly sang this poignant song to himself:
“Fish gotta swim,
Birds gotta fly;
I gotta moo like a
Cow ’til I die…”
* How The Past Eats Up Everything — Including, So-Called “Art”:
The critical distinction between George Handel and George
Gershwin is that one of them believes he has been dead longer
than the other, and is therefore due greater renown and
royalties…(mainly, royalties). * How Definitions Consume
Anything In Their Path — Including Themselves: Definition:
History: The past with a haircut.
***
Collective Intelligence: Cue cards for the mind.
***
Star-Date Up-Date: Yet, were it not for tomorrow — a
thinker wouldn’t have a dog’s-chance; if that were not where he
actually lives — a thinker would still be no more than a mere,
bow-wow.
***
Looking around at her life in the city, a woman thought:
“We need all the help we can get!” And her mind replied: “Yeah,
but not that kind.”
***
After living in the city for awhile, this one man began to
uncontrollably confuse the words-&-reality of: “Hormones,” and
“Heroin.” — …(He admitted it took quite some effort to
accomplish this!) “Yes, you pitchers & catchers, and other
rookies,” said the coach, “mark my words well: The home town
crowd can make you do many things — but playing on this team is
not one of them.” And near third base a free-agent asked an old
timer: “Did he say; ‘Home town crowd,’ or ‘civilization’?”
Spit, twitch, & scratch! — then spit and scratch some more.
***
Show Biz Tip For Those New To Public Performing: If you
whine — they’ll applaud.
***
Sometimes when alone, this one kid would think: “I don’t
need a ‘weather forecast’! — I am the weather.”
…..Sometimes when alone, this one kid’s brother would think:
“I don’t need a ‘weather forecast’! — I am my weather.” And the
kid corrected him: “No, no! — not: ‘I am my weather’ — but
rather; ‘I am the weather’.” Thus, is physically exemplified
once again, the scientific difference between — “psychology,”
and “real thinking.”
***
One man’s mind told him that it could positively write a
book that would undoubtedly make him totally rich and famous! —
but that it just didn’t know where to begin. Footnote: It has
now been pretty well established and accepted that easily, three-
fourths of all famous, historical figures had a: God-given
talent of some sort, a supportive family, and cat that just
seemed naturally, house-broken. Civilization comes on soft,
furry little feet, and then — snatches off your head! How could
you describe a “topless” dancer?: Hormones without neurons.
***
A Creative Viewer’s Hint: If the “original” part of your
brain is not so complex as to absolutely confound the simpler
part — then you know good-and-well that you’re not…(Hey, I
don’t really have to finish this do I!?) Oh, alright — let’s
pretend that a sizable chunk of time has passed, and I’ll now put
it to you like this: As opposed to what the ordinary have long,
and continue to, believe: A real thinker might understand
himself “better than” he does other people! — and if you can’t
swim with it in that end of the pool — reverse the whole damn
thing.
***
And now over to our Sports Desk for some hockey scores: The
collectively-religious are like intellectual wall-flowers who
still stand about and want to say: “You should dance with the
one that brung you.” Cf., to the scene of the universe standing
impatiently by the door; tapping its foot — fuming, and
demanding of you to know: “Just where have you been!?”
***
No matter his particular field — a competent city “expert”
— when he doesn’t know any better — always knows better than to
let on that he doesn’t know any better. (That’s why he’s an
expert and always on-the-move, while you just sit home sifting
through your collection of Rat Trading Cards.) The latest
figures from the Department Of Labor offer additional evidence of
the fact that those not up to a certain minimal level of
stupidity are not even smart enough to get defensive when accused
of being stupid. Don’t let this happen to you! — Get a job!
(maybe). — Buy a farm! — Go back to school! — Or, write home
for help — but above all — and by all means — speak up for
yourself as a human! — and be offended (when possible and even
remotely appropriate). Remember: The ordinary wouldn’t be where
they are today had they not vigorously insisted upon being
continually recognized for being exactly what they are.
***
During a persimmon festival, one man unilaterally conceived
his own epitaphical update: “‘Tis a far better thing I shall
think tomorrow than I have ever thought before.”
***
“The test results are back — but you don’t wanna hear ’em.”ù
Such is what ranks with many as — “the good news.” Think about
it — wear it over the week-end — drive it around for awhile —
see how your family and neighbors like it, then get back to me.
(Chances are that we can help you re-establish your credit.)
…..How It Is Not Possible To Actually Eat Poison Or Consume
Germs Where You Live, As Evidenced Via This Family Conversation:
First brother says: “Life itself is the power company that runs
us all.” And the second sibling added: “And also the collection
agency for our utility bills.” And noted a third kinsman: “And
life is also the one who first told us that we needed to wire up
our homes.” And this last observation made all three of them
suddenly stop and re-think this whole matter for themselves!
…well…as best they could…suddenly being without their
normal source of energy, and all. Note: A real thinker is never
without power! — Or: What do you call a thinker who’s had his
electricity cut off? — ordinary!
…..Direct From The Doctor’s Mouth: The serious are not sane.
…..A viewer writes: “I’ve been watching your show and I
mostly enjoy it — but there is one part I don’t like, and that’s
when you every-now-and-then say that you just make up all the
stuff you talk about; I don’t like to hear that! — and it’s not
possible! …is it?”
…..The Doctor repeats: “The serious are not at all well!”
***
More News Directly-From, The City: Only those who want to
“do better” will try to “do better”; and those who try to “do
better” seem then the most able to do worse. On the “Q.T.,” and
just between you and me — I think that the city has its own
special notion of “justice.” …(And I further suspect that to
it “justice” is merely one of the many synonyms for
“operational.”)
***
According to sacred legend in this one universe, one of
their historical “thinking heroes” once stopped and thought:
“Which would I prefer?: To be dipped in a lake of boiling shit?
— To offer another man advice? — Or to have my nails trimmed?”
***
Buoyed by the success of his previous book (which we
mentioned on the show) this one author has written a sequel,
entitled: “12 Steps That Will Also Have Absolutely No Effect On
Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior.” One man (who worked in the shirt
department) had as he personal, guiding motto in life, these
words: “You can’t keep a good man down! — Oh sure — sometimes
you might get him down — and sometimes you may even keep him
down — but he won’t like it, one little bit!” On this one
planet — everyone was forced to write a book — then everybody
was forced to read everybody else’s book; after that it was no
longer necessary to tell everybody not to write so many books.
***
A well-known public figure was standing on a city corner
when a kid rushed up and said: “Hey — aren’t you — ‘so-&-so’?”
And the man nodded “Yes” that he was, and the excited lad
grabbed his hand in a vigorous shake and exclaimed: “Wow! —
what a treat! — you’re one of my favorite people in the whole
wide world!” And the man replied: “What a coincidence —
sometimes I’m mine too.”
***
In response to several stories earlier this week, a viewer
wrote us: “I for one (my friend) have never seen a red bird in a
blue bird costume!” A few minutes later we received this fax
from the same source: “After a quick review of what I wrote you,
I’ve decided that you should scratch it.” Do we by any chance,
have anyone from the communications industries here with us
tonight who might actually understand what just transpired!?
***
Morality: Housebreaking the “boogie.”
***
During one of their private, inter-family “Genetic
Elocution” lessons, a father so told his son: “Never refer to
yourself in the third person unless you are either of: Royal
blood, regal bearing, or are an actual, ‘third person’.”
Thinker’s Tip: The above noted restrictions are inapplicable to
those also who have three or more minds at the same time. Query:
Do “original ideas” have a father?
***
The scientific theory is that if you whine enough you can
sell anything. The noise you hear is not your stock in certainty
falling, but rather the sound of institutions rolling over in
everyone’s graves — on top of them! — again! Note From Our
Viewer’s Guide: In case you missed it: The second part of that
last story was connected to the first part in that: If one cow
cannot whine enough, a whole herd — an institution, as it were
— can! Now do you bleedin’ — get it!? Thank you — you may
now relax and go back to sleep.
***
Notice To All Employees: You can be pretty much of a non-
thinker, and still be relatively happy — …(that is, if life
wants you to be.)
***
A Brief (But Not Too, Too Brief) Survey Of Man By Way Of A
Definition: Gossip: Taking note of specific eccentricities so
as to better ignore the bland generalities. (Put in layman’s
terms): Most people would rather see and discuss a bloody car
wreck than a reflective, point-blank-wall. “Hey!”, noted one
man’s mind, “I’m dull enough as it is — without making it worse
by thinking about what brought me to this condition!”ù * Herd?!
— herd!? — did someone say “herd”!? * A woman looked over her
newspaper to the man and asked: “Is it possible to spell
‘everybody’ without using an ‘I’?”
***
Whenever this one man’s mind would think of something really
funny about ordinary life, he’d remind it: “Smile when you say
that, pardner.” And a serious viewer out there says: “I don’t
get it! — I simply — don’t get it! — But shit! — I don’t
‘get’ anything else either! — so what’s the big-deal!? Over-
and-out, from this end.” (One pleasant aspect of communications
with the serious is that it is always simple, and there are
seldom any “surprises.”)
***
Now for some initial results from the qualifying laps at
this week’s “Veterinarian Races”:
A brain that don’t,
Entertain;
Will surely give its,
Owner pain.
Related Test Question, #17: Why do not more animals seek
prescriptions for Valium, and other central nervous system
depressants? A rat snuggled up close to itself and said: “Are
you glad to see me, or is that a thought in your pocket?!”
Auxiliary Test Question 34: Why do not more of our animal
brothers have mental problems — or a sense of humor? A man ran
his brain through an airport metal detector — then looked at the
x-ray picture of it and wondered: “Is that thing actually
operational in me, or is it just glad to be back home?!”
***
A woman who came to pick up a carburetor, mused, as she
stood in line: “Why do not men learn special lessons from the
locally obvious!? — The past is ‘shaky’ just so people
shouldn’t reply on it so much.”
***
A viewer inquires: “You so often refer to ‘tumors,’ and I’m
wondering, do you always specifically mean ‘brain’ tumors?” —
Hey, sir! — what other kinds would be of any interest or fun to
talk about!? The infantry commander nodded toward one of his
comrades and noted; “I like-e-e a man who can, ‘think on his
feet’!” And a passing orderly got confused: “Did he say ‘think
with his feet’!?” The head of the “Neighborhood Defenseless
Watch” reminded the assembled: Remember: “Tumors don’t cause
rumors — men do! — and men can stop them!” And a resident of
Sycamore Court got confused: “Does he mean that men can stop
rumors — or, tumors?” And that viewer adds: “I don’t believe
I’ll be writing to you, ever again.”
…..Oh! — and on a related subject: The National Association
For The Advancement Of Bovines contacted the show to say just
how, “thankful” they all are that cows don’t have TV.
***
Another way to spot a man with a small mind is that he will
always believe that he is larger than his mind.
***
As Essay Regarding “Talk: Its Life, Its Function, Its
Future In The City”: A real thinker would be abrupt — a real
real thinker wouldn’t even the fuck start.
***
And here is some late breaking Racing News: The “Vaseline
Special For The Mind” has been canceled — seems no one wanted to
go – that fast!
***
Okay — here’s the way it goes: You can paint your roaches
like life makes you do, and then believe that you were the one to
think of it — just like everyone else — or, after realizing
this, you can personally re-paint them yourself — and, like-that
it goes.
***
Neurons say: “We won’t live long enough to ever get it all
done.” And hormones think: “What the hell is ‘live’!?”
***
Point-blank-thought — if it must speak — must learn to
speak otherwise.
***
The civilized do not find acceptable, those who aren’t! —
…except in theory! — …and if they live in the other side of
the world!
***
THE BOOGIE
The boogie ain’t the boogie
If it’s got a mind;
And the hormone boogie said:
“Hey! — that’s fine!”
The boogie ain’t the boogie
If it’s been to school;
And the modern, feral boogie said:
“Hey! — that’s cool.”
The city told the boogie:
“Say, son — lend an ear;
You can’t dance like that and,
Live around here.”
Now the
Boogie ain’t the boogie,
Not the same as ’twas before;
They done
Bathed, and shaved, and dressed it,
Oh, what a lovely bore.
Now let this be a lesson,
When you come in from the wood;
Always let your neurons wrap,
Up your hormones good.
Oh,
They still sing and dance a bit,
This new, neural crowd;
But silent signs say everywhere:
“No Boogie Here, Allowed.”
So here we all are,
Embraced by the city,
And to keep it from trampling his toes;
A thinker takes long,
His own private boogie,
With him where ever he goes.
***
One kid wasn’t certain whether his father had once told him
that a “serious man” is an idiot or that a “sincere” one it, and
every time he’d ask about it the old man would refuse to reply.
***
With his new mind, one man, “looked back over his life,” and
thought: “That wasn’t my life!”
***
Standing at a bus stop, a woman looked off and thought: “I
bet if our minds could just stink like our arm pits, we’d
all…,” and just then the bus came.
***