Summary = TBD
Condensed News Items = See below
News Item Gallery = jcap 93078 -1147
Transcript = None
Key Words =
And now — The News: There’s a war somewhere. The Bad
News: You don’t know about it. The Good News: It don’t matter
— if you’re not trying to be a thinker.
If you don’t think — you need a herd, the collective, a
philosophy, or religion, a slit to peek through, and the
companionship of the city to see you home. …And, oh yeah! —
don’t ever let anyone near the thermostat knob to your brain.
All “freedoms” ere dreamed of by man are reflections on
“originality” — we herein have set before us the supreme
serving of synonymy.
Okay! — simpler still: If you can’t think for yourself —
you’re a Muppet. Satisfied!?
Collective intelligence ner solves any problems since it be
anathema to originality.
In the city, those aspiring to the rank of “intellectual,”
will often select a recent decade and pronounce that it was
“filled with change! — some good, and some horrible.” But as
always — they manage to miss the point; they should scrap the
concluding part of their observation — for: Change is change —
that’s all — change is just change.
When it came his turn, the man stood and declared: “Tuba
players give great blow jobs.”, and the minister said: “That’s
not exactly the kind of ‘Testimonial’ we had in mind.”
And from our Definitions desk once again: Being Civilized:
Believing — okay, hoping that life cares as much for you as you
do it, once you began to believe that it wants you to “care for
And now our combination “Joke For The Day, & Broccoli
Recipe”: An ordinary mind “looking for answers” is like a key,
unwittingly searching for the particular sort of lock it will be
unable to open. Cook ’til done.
Through a strict regimen of bullets and laxatives, one man
was finally able to overcome his fitful aversion to politicians
and other dull people who wanted to dance with him.
A significant responsibility of all institutions is to offer
men some compensation for not thinking. “And I not only thank
the Academy for this award, but would also like to express my
appreciation to my family, my friends, my business & professional
associates, all of the old gang from the neighborhood, and
everybody else that made it possible for me to remain sane, bland
and stupid. Thank you so much — ever so much. Thank you.”
Cows can raise an awful ruckus if you slip up behind them
and yell: “Moo-o-o! — all you Einsteins.”
Everything’s potentially a drug to collective thinking.
Excitement in the city is of an extremely ephemeral nature,
which is why it seems so urgently, and nervously, exciting.
First guy says: “Taking neurally-extraneous drugs may not
make you smarter, but at least they’ll make you live faster.”
And another guy squinched up one eye and ruminated: “Shit! —
thinking can too! — if that’s what you want.”
Dumb people love simple people, and the feeling is mutual.
From a more complex view — without originality — men
poison their own minds. For the ordinary — institutions act as
an attempted antidote.
Just because something is “understandable” still may not
save it from being intolerable.
The collective likes to periodically go on crusades and
rampages — it helps keep their mind off things.
A Seasonal Poem:
Local conditions are your friend,
Oh by gee — oh by golly;
Local conditions think of you — first thing every
Oh by gee — and, oh by golly;
Oh — I’m a shill, you’re a shill,
What tha hell do we care —
Let’s get o-u-t o-f- h-e-r-e! — Wheee!
Local conditions are our friend — The End.
…..Our, Inspirational, Mystical, Religious & Metaphysical News
For The Day: The universal became the local just so it could sit
An, Off The Record Little Quiz: What’d Ya Think?: Do real,
independent thinkers want to: Change the direction of the merry
go round? — get themselves to another horsey? — blow the thing
up? — or just, move it to another universe? Huh?, huh? —
what’d ya think?
The serious can never be, original — wanna know why? —
Well: Hormones are, perforce & properly — serious, neurons are
not so definitely determined; and: Hormones should not even
attempt to be, original, now: Do you see where it’s headed!?
…..Great story, and don’t forget — the title of it was:
“The serious can never be, original.”
…..And now that segment of the news that we used to like to
call: “Hormones & Neurons May Dance Together — But Do They
‘Soul Kiss’!?” One man reflected thusly: “If I could get my
mind to swell up like my dick does — I might have something!”
If men knew what their life was about — they wouldn’t any
longer be men. The world’s only breakfast cereal with the
potential of blowing up in your face — killing all of your
family and genes, and just making a quite terrible mess of the
past, and the historical landfill upon which your subdivision was
constructed. Later that warm evening, as they sat semi-quietly
on the back stoop, a father asked his son: “Which would you
rather be when you grow up: middle class, or deformed?” And the
kid replied: “That’s a friggin’ choice!? — Even if you are
speaking metaphorically and referring to matters of the intellect
— it’s still some bloody choice!” …(Ahh, how the old man
sometimes liked to rag the lad.)
The notion that one can have any “privacy” in a herd, makes
the word “ludicrous” seem like a quaint understatement.
In the Second Ward neighborhood of one city, was a wall-eyed
youngster who continually confused the words “never” and
“beaver” and was thus unable to ever finish reading any fable.
And a grown up person thought: “But what if neither six months
nor six thousand miles comes first!?” And a viewer sits and
thinks: “You know — it’s hard to take some of this seriously
since so much of it seems so…well so…”
On a fine, bright day, one man stood on his toes, stretched
deeply and thought: “Ahh! — the human mind! — what a
boundless, open universe to be explored! — And on days like
this I ofttimes think that the time to mount my trusty steed, and
sally forth on this great adventure has most surely arrived! —
But alas! — my skateboard is in the shop. — Alas.”
To All News Viewers: If you don’t know whether you’re
thinking or not — you’re not. …(Thought I’d save you from
writin’ in about it.)
And now: “Dual Definitions”: Criticism: The simplistic
attempt to compensate for a lack of originality. Criticism
Amongst The Herd: And it works! — Great God A’Heifer-Mighty! —
but it works!
And — “A-hem”: Serious people want serious news! …(along
with all their dumb & stupid relatives). The king of one witless
land mused: “One good thing about being in charge around here is
that at least I don’t have to take the job seriously.” And the
mind of one witless man mused…
A viewer writes: “In your best judgement — which is more
pathetic: A critic, or a news anchorperson?” …Gee…you’re
gonna have to gimmie a little time on this one!…
Looking up from his book, a kid asked his old man: “In my
readings of philosophy, religion — even politics, I continue to
run across the word ‘apologist’ — just what do they mean by it?”
“Ah yes,” replied his pater, “‘apologist’ — I know well what men
intended thereby; consider it like this: It’s like neurons’
relationship to hormones.”
There is safety in a herd — because in a herd you don’t
have to be original.
Another way to determine if tomorrow is on schedule at city
level: “Is information becoming entertainment?”
One chap’s guiding “Philosophical & Motor-Skills Principal”
in life is: Never ask a man with his fingers in a hand grenade if
he ever picks his nose.
And now — more news: If you’re dumb you’re dumb, and there
ain’t much that’s gonna help. Thank you — and Happy Turkey
A man not creative enough to come up with his own original
quotes, rather than using those of others, is not on the road to
real thinking. “Sir — we may quote you on that?”ù Watch it,
In one of the city’s “Success Schools” they teach that if
you can’t seem to “become famous” at least try and make the list
of those threatening to become famous.
Sometimes, when no one else could hear, this one man would
call himself “Mister Delicate” and “Senior Precious” and then
laugh-h-h like a deranged bull castrator.
An, Exact-O, Fact-O Feature: A man with one arm can be just
as half-life happy as a man with one eye.
A man suddenly thought: “Do you realize that if even a
thinker tried to refute, correct and confront every erroneous
thing said by everybody, he too would be no more than a mere —
critic! — even if his judgments were correct!”
After thinking about it, one man observes: “One negative
aspect of ‘being famous’ in the city is that you’ve got to be
serious about it.” Yes! — Friends & Farmers! — and not only
that, but you’ve also got to be serious to ever get to be famous
over in that illustrious land. * Great God All Mighty! — Hang a
heifer around my neck, and tell ’em it’s a ‘jewelry fashion
statement’! What the hell!? — they’ve bought my story thus
far!ù * Meanwhile — just over the mesa, a lone, independent
wrangler squatted by his fire as he reflected on the fact that
real thinker’s don’t wanna be saddled with nuthin’! — includin’
their own sweet selves! “Great Gawd A’Mighty!”, mused his mind,
“Don’t let me be the heifer around my own neck.”
A follower of these relucent — if not, diaphanous — news
shows raises this point: “Should you actually come down so hard
on shills!? — After all — if you’re not original, you’ve got to
work for somebody.”
…..And that reminds me, another viewer wrote us with this
inquiry: “Sir: Would you assist my understanding, if not memory
of a certain item you recently read; did you say that: ‘Without
“self-promotion”ù most men would not be promoted,’ — or that:
Without “self-promotion” most men wouldn’t have a self!?”
“Just think!”, thought a neural rebel, “if blades & bullets
were matters-of-inquiry — the king would never execute anybody.”
Now our “Lie For The Day”: If you “know what you’re doing”
— then you know what everyone else is doing! — and then you’re
really bored! Okay — our “Half Lie.”
One ole sorehead’s observation for the day: “A man with
fleas knows what it is to — think!”
A Thought For Would-Be Thinkers To Think About: You haven’t
really left town if you’ve kept you old post office box. A kid
on the corner mused: “I sometimes think that change is only
possible for those who ‘know something,’ and those who don’t know
Generally, in the city, you can count on “having power” as
equating with being simple and crude. * Hey! — don’t look at
me, that’s the way it’s ‘sposed to be. *
As opposed to physical “house-sitters” — don’t let anyone
not going anywhere watch your mind for you.
A “Make-Believe Quiz For A Lazy Summer Day”: What —
imaginarily speaking — could be worse than to be an original
thinker, stuck on some planet, surrounded by plagiarists,
philistines, and cows!? …Ahhhh — “Make-believe”!
One man looked toward the kindly old city and thought: “I’d
apply for welfare, but I still don’t know what it is that I
Some Occupational News: Men with short memories go into the
priesthood; men with short minds — into politics and economics.
“Yeah!”, shouted back The Yeah Man, sometime later, “but
remember this: A cow doesn’t care if he’s surrounded by
One institution said: “The great thing about being an
institution is that nobody can kick you in the shins.” And a man
thought: “We may all die individually, but it is only
collectively that we draw flies.” …(I’m not sure the
institution got the point.)
Another query from a viewer: “I find myself confused
regarding your positive references to a ‘point-blank-wall,’ and
then your not-so-positive ones to the ‘simplistic’ as opposed to
the complex; how does this all fit?” Sir: The ‘complex’ is
what you intellectually are after willfully enriching the
simplistic; the ‘point-blank-wall’ is what you see in such a
If — intellectually — you think it’s too hot, too cold,
too wet, or too dry — you can’t think. Okay, Sergeant — send in
the next recruit — and tell him to go ahead and bend-over on the
way in here.
Some thinkers were hangin’ out together and a cow came by
and asked: “Are you guys like a cult or something? — like with
a leader and followers and all like that?” And they said: “Naw
— we’re just ‘hangin’ out’ together.” …(What does a cow need
to know anyway!?)
One man’s temporary theory is that: “Once you learn how to
really think, a red bird is just the same as a blue bird —
except that it’s red.”
Believing you “have-a-mission,” can help distract from the
fact of a lack of originality; since after that, to “think-for-
yourself” is no longer expected — or even desirable.
When questioned, regarding his Preface to his book, in which
he stated that he had no “Personal philosophy to push, or view to
promote” therein, the author proposed this possibility: That he
didn’t write the Preface. …(Should I have said he proposed
this “interesting possibility”!?…)
A Kid’s Rhyme For A Kid’s Time:
Nothing’s for certain,
Everything’s for sure;
They’ve had to dilute it,
To make it seem pure.
The sun make me squint,
The sun makes me blink;
A point-blank-wall would,
Blind me, I think! …either that, or else open up that
bad-eye of mine.
A viewer asks: “Is there a difference between what you call
‘originality’ and what the ordinary call ‘artistic’?” Yes —
originality is individual & singular, while the artistic is not.
“Simple Definition” time: Stupidity: Intellectual
“seriousness.”ù Okay, then ask yourselves: Who, but a creature
with the intellectual wherewithal of a bovine would look-up, and
attempt to, meditate on, some sort of “metaphysical significance”
to the concept of “cow manure”!? — not cow manure itself! — but
the concept! And — “Definition Time For Thinkers”: Ignorance
Of Things Wished To be Known: Seriousness misapplied. And
finally: “Direct Definition Time For The Thinkers”: Ignorance:
A Triumvirate Of Troubling — Yet, Ultimately, Tantalizing
Transactions: Collectively: Time turns originals into
institutions. Individually: Time (under the guise of death)
will take you out too — Fatso! Independently: A real thinker
doesn’t let the collective get its hands on his inventions.
…..Hey! — if you tell a cowù a secret — what the hell d’ya
…..But do note: The collective does have talent; each day, as
they graze and move about, cows trample out dusty representations
of the Mona Lisa, the Sistine Chapel, several of Mozart’s String
Quartets, and other miscellaneous artistic triumphs.
Return with us now to the files of “It’s Actually Quite
Simple” for this item: It’s actually quite simple: The solution
to any human question is originality — simple originality-of-
Ordinary minds believe: “Our lives are not metaphors — we
represent no more that what we are.” And thus do they remain —
to themselves — no more that they believe themselves to be.
Heeding the local laws of chemistry & physics is an
impediment to originality.
…..And from our department of “It’s Obviously Quite Obvious”
this blatant reminder: Human “originality” is originality of
thinking! — there is none other.
Another “You Can Figure It Out From Here” feature: The
simple, who make up the herd, do not want to hear simple
explanations of human existence.
A guy looked at his reflection in some chrome and thought:
“I guess it should be clear to even me that if something’s not
fresh it’s not original.”
Did you know? — animals have fables about men! — but
they’re silent, stupid, and…well — you don’t wanna hear ’em.
From our, Possibilities Chart, as regards the matter of
“Originality”: With The Individual: Possible. With The
Collective: Forget it!
An enemy of man is an enemy of change …and vice versa.
Without originality there is nothing — nothing but an
A man said: “A real thinker doesn’t do testimonials — nor
does he need them for himself.” And a listener asked: “When you
say ‘testimonials’ are you actually referring to acts performed
by other people, or perhaps about the sorts of things men
normally think about?” And the first speaker wanted to smile and
slap him on the back.
For a thinker’s life — if it’s not an intellectual tour de
force — it’s not an intellectual tour.
Only the original find anything original to think about.