Summary = TBD
Condensed News Items = See below
News Item Gallery = jcap 1999-05-01 (99063) -2359
Transcript = None
Key Words =
The News
99063-1
MY NEWS FOR MAY 1, 1999
A MAN QUEERIED A CERTAIN EXTERMINATOR THUS:
“I HAVE HEARD IT SAID THAT THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT MAN THAT
NEEDS TO BE FIXED, AND AT TIMES, IN AN OVERALL, PHILOSOPHICAL WAY,
I CAN SEE THAT AS REGARDS-HUMANITY AS A WHOLE, THIS MUST BE SO….
AND YET….
I CONTINUE TO FEEL THAT THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT ME PERSONALLY
THAT IS DEFINITELY WRONG AND IN NEED OF CORRECTION. WHY IS THIS?”,
AND THE MYSTERIOUS-RAT-CHASER REPL[ED:
“THAT INDEED IS A MOST TRICKY AND STICKY SITUATION INWHICH
THOSE FEW WHO PURSUE THE PROFESSION OF EXTERMINATOR EVENTUALLY
PERCEIVE THEMSELVES TO HAVE LANDED,
AND IT IS EQUALLY AS ODD AND CHALLENGING TO TRY AND EXPLAIN
IN ANY MANNER THAT OFFERS A PRACTICAL SOLUTION,
BUT YOU MIGHT CONSIDER THIS:
CAN YOU CONCEIVE OF ANY BASIS ON WHICH A STANDARDLY CONSTRUCTED
FAUCET COULD OBJECT TO ITS BEING A FAUCET?…….I DON’T SEE,HOW:
AND CAN YOU IMAGINE ANY REASON FOR A FAUCET TO:FEEL THAI ITS WORTH
AND STATUS IS BASED ON ANY CHARACTERISTICS OF THE WATER?…I THINK NOT:
BUT PICTURE A FAUCET THAT DOES ‘TAKE PERSONALLY’ THE TYPE, FREQUENCY,
VOLUME AND QUALITY OF THE WATER PASSING THRU IT,
AND PRETEND WE ASKED IT THE SAME QUESTIONS I JUST POSED TO YOU,
AND IMAGINE THAT WHEN ASKED SUCH DIRECTLY,
AND UPON INSTANT REFLECTION THEREON
THAT THE FAUCET AGREES THAT SUCH AN ASSUMED RESPONSIBILITY
BY A FAUCET
FOR THE WATER — FLOWING, INVOLUNTARILY THRU IT —
IS GROUNDLESS AND RIDICULOUS,
THE FAUCET AFTER ALL — BEING SIMPLY, ‘A FAUCET’,
WOULD BE UN-EQUIPPED AND UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHAT HE’D JUST BEEN MADE
TO REALIZE.
TT IS NOT A FAUCET’S JOB TO REMEMBER ANYTHING THAT CONFLICTS
WITH THE NATURAL RESPONSIBILITIES OF BEING A FAUCET
…AND WHO COULD SANELY EXPECT OTHERWISE?!”
99063-2
THE EXTERMINATOR PAUSED FOR A MOMENT AS HE EXAMINED THE MAN’S
FACE….THEN PICKED UP HIS COMMENTS ONCE AGAIN:
“I FEEL SURE THAT AS YOU STAND THERE LISTENING TO ME AT THIS MOMENT
YOU REALIZE HOW FOOLISH IT WOULD BE FOR A FAUCET TO FEEL THAT THE
WATER FLOWING THRU IT WAS IN ANY WAY ‘PERSONALLY’ RELATED, OR PERTINENT
TO WHAT IT IS,
BOTH BY CONSTRUCTION AND FUNCTION,
AND I FEEL EQUALLY CERTAIN THAT YOU RECOGNIZE THIS AS A METAPHOR FOR YOU
IN MY RESPONSE TO YOUR QUESTION,
BUT IT ONLY SEEMS TO GO SO FAR, RIGHT?!
…IT DOESN’T GO FAR ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY ANSWER
WHY IT IS THAT YOU, (NOT A FAUCET),
BUT WHY YOU, (A MAN),
EVEN AFTER HAVING SOME INITIAL RECOGNITION OF HUMANITY’S OVERALL
POSITION AS CONCERNS MEN NOT BEING IN NEED OF SOME SORT OF ‘REPAIR’,
WHY YOU STILL INDIVIDUALLY FEEL OTHERWISE SO, (ARE YOU READY?):
WHAT IF THE NATURAL CONSTRUCTION OF A FEW, ‘MEN-THE-THOUGHTFUL-FAUCETS’
IS SUCH THAT THEY INVOLUNTARILY DO — MUST — HAVE AN ANOMALISTIC
AWARENESS OF THE MENTAL WATERS FLOWING THRU THEM,
AND IT IS SO DAMN-NEAR, ALL ENCOMPASSING THAT ANY QUESTIONS
REGARDING ANY SPECIFICS OF THE PASSING WATERS
IS TOTALLY BESIDE THE POINT.
IN THESE RARE CASES, IT IS NOT ANY ACTUAL OR PERCEIVED,
‘CHARACTERISTICS’ OF THE’WATERS-OF-THOUGHT’ FOR WHICH MAN IS A MEDIUM,
TO PEOPLE LIKE YOU,
IT IS ALL THE WATER THAT IS THE ANNOYANCE! —
— IT IS THE MERE FACT OF WATER FLOWING THRU YOU
THAT IS — THE PROBLEM!,
BUT WHAT I WANT YOU TO CONSIDER IS THAT THIS FUTILELY SOUNDING SITUATION
MIGHT ONLY REMAIN FUTILE & INFINITELY FRUSTRATING IF YOU TAKE
WHAT IS YOUR OWN , ‘NATURAL SITUATION’ TO BE IN NEED OF CHANGE,
AN IMPRESSION WHICH, (FOR ONE OF YOUR NON-STANDARD CONSTRUCTION),
IS PART & PARCEL OF YOUR, ‘NATURAL CONSTRUCTION & OPERATION’.”
AND ONCE AGAIN THE EXTERMINATOR CEASED HIS COMMENTARY AND STUDIED
THE MAN’S COUNTENANCE
…AND AFTER A BIT, THE MAN SLOWLY TOOK UP THE CONVERSATION HIMSELF IN A RHETORICALLY QUESTIONING & REFLECTIVING MANNER:
99063-3
“SO YOU’RE TRYING TO LEAD ME TO SEE MYSELF AND OTHERS LIKE ME
AS BEING LIKE FAUCETS — NATURAL OUTLETS FOR THE FLOW OF THOUGHTS,
BUT IN OUR CASE, FAUCETS THAT CAME FROM THE FACTORY WITH A, ‘BUILT-IN’ RESISTANCE TO BEING MERE FAUCETS?!”,
(AND THE EXTERMINATOR BROKE INTO A GIGANTIC GRIN,
AS THE MAN FELL SILENT AND SEEMED TO STRUGGLE TO CONTINUE):
“UMMMmmm
SO IF I AM SEEING DIRECTLY TO WHERE I BELIEVE YOU’RE POINTING
THE SITUATION IS INDEED AS YOU SAID, ‘MOST TRICKY & STICKY
…I FIND MYSELF NATURALLY, INVOLUNTARILY — WANTING TO CHANGE -EVEN CEASE —
MY BEING A PASSIVE MEDIUM FOR THE WATERS-OF-THOUGHT THAT
PASS THRU ME AND EVERY OTHER MAN UMMMMMMMM
LIKE A FAUCET THAT CAN DO NOTHING OTHER THAN BE A FAUCET, BUT IN MY INSTANCE,
LIKE A FAUCET THAT CAN DO NOTHING OTHER THAN BE A FAUCET THAT IS DISSATISFIED BEING A FAUCET?!”,
(AND AS THE MAN PAUSED AGAIN IN HIS OVERT MUSING,
THE EXTERMINATOR’S GRIN GREW TO UNIVERSAL PROPORTIONS).
THEN A LONGER PERIOD OF SILENCE PASSED BETWEEN THE TWO,
UNTIL SLOWLY, BUT QUITE DISTINCTLY,
A WORLD CLASS SMILE BEGAN TO TAKE OVER THE MAN’S FACE,
AND HE RETURNED THE EXTERMINATOR’S GAZE, EYE-BALL-TO-EYE-BALL….
…AND THERE THE TWO OF THEM STOOD:
RIGHT IN THE CENTER OF REALITY,
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF, “NO-WHERE-IN-PARTICULAR”,
BOTH OF THEM GRINNING LIKE POSSUMS ON FIRE.
…YOU KNOW, IT DOES YOUR HEART GOOD TO SEE TWO GROWN MEN MAKE COMPLETE FOOLS OF THEMSELVES, DOESN’T IT?!
99063-4
EVEN THOUGH EXTERMINATORS DON’T WANT TO SPEAK ABOUT IT IN SPECIFICS, DON’T YOU FIGURE THAT ONE OF THE THINGS THEY’VE RID THEMSELVES OF IS REACTING-IN-THOUGHT TO WHAT OTHERS DO AND SAY?!
99063-5
ONE DAY A MAN ENTERED THE SHOP OF AN EXTERMINATOR,
(WHO ALSO SOME TIMES ACTED AS A PLUMBING CONSULTANT),
AND ASKED THE PROPRIETOR:
“CAN WATER BE DISINGENUOUS?”,
AND THE PEST ERADICATOR REPLIED: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN?”,
AND THE MAN GOT MORE SPECIFIC WITH HIS QUERY:
“WILL WATER EVER FOOL YOU?! —
LIKE PRETEND TO BE OTHER THAN WHAT IT IS?”,
AND THE EXTERMINATOR RESPONDED:
“I CANNOT THINK OF ANY WAY IN WHICH THIS MIGHT OCCUR.”,
AND THE MAN GREW MORE POINTED:
“DO YOU MEAN THAT YOU CAN NOT THINK OF ANY WAY THAT THIS MIGHT OCCUR,
OR ANY WAY THAT THIS COULD OCCUR?” ,
“WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD THAT MAKE?”, ASKED THE EXTERMINATOR,
“WELL, NONE, I GUESS.”, SAID THE MAN,
“I WAS JUST STALLING FOR TIME WHILE I TREED TO PULL TOGETHER
MY REAL QUESTION IN A MORE COHERENT FORM.”,
AND THE”ENEMY-OF-ALL-VERMIN” NODDED HIS UNDERSTANDING,
WHICH SEEMED TO SERVE AS AN INVITATION FOR THE MAN TO CONTENUE….
….WHICH HE DID:
“WHAT I’M REALLY TRYING TO ASK IS IF IT IS POSSIBLE FOR SOMETHING AS
PLAIN, AND NATURAL AND TRANSPARENT AS WATER TO EVER MISLEAD A MAN
AS TO ITS NATURE AND PROPERTIES?,
TO WHICH I TAKE IT THAT YOU’VE ALREADY INDICATED THAT YOUR ANSWER IS, NO.”,
TO WHICH THE INFESTATION-AGITATOR NODDED HIS AGREEMENT,
AND THE MAN CONTINUED:
“SO,IF WATER CANNOT PRETEND TO BE OTHER THAN WHAT IT IS,
A FAUCET THROUGH WHICH IT FLOWED COULD NEVER HAVE ANY BASIS FOR
NO RECOGNIZING IT? — CORRECT?!”, AND THE EXTERMINATOR AGAIN NODDED,
“SO”, CONTINUED THE CUSTOMER, “IF SOME FAUCET, SOME WHERE DID HAVE
‘FUNNY NOTIONS’ ABOUT THE WATER FOR WHICH IT WAS AN OUTLET,
THINKING IT TO SOME HOW BE SOMETHING OTHER THAN JUST PLAIN OLD
ORDINARY WATER, INSTANTLY RECOGNIZED AND ACCEPTED AS SUCH
BY ALL OTHER FAUCETS,
WE WOULD HAVE TO SAY THAT THIS MISTAKEN IMPRESSION IS THE SOLE
RESPONSIBILITY OF THAT PARTICULAR FAUCET, AND IN NO WAY WAS CAUSED BY
THE WATER? — AM I STILL ON THE RIGHT TRACK?”, AND THE EXTERMINATOR,
CUM PLUMBING COMMENTATOR CONTINUED HIS NODDING WAYS AS THE MAN AGAIN SPOKE.
99063-6
“SO.”, SAID THE MAN AGAIN,
AS HE THOUGHTFULLY RUBBED HIS CHIN:
“SO — THIS IS ALL YOUR INDIRECT WAY OF TELLING ME THAT
EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO RID-THEMSELF
IS RUNNING AROUND IN CIRCLES TO BE CONCERNED OVER THE THOUGHTS
RUNNING THRU THEM?! — NO?!”, AND THE EXTERMINATOR REPLIED:
“ACTUALLY, MORE THAN THAT:
THEY CHASE AN ILLUSIONARY TAIL ON THEMSELF
TO BE CONCERNED OVER THE MERE FACT THAT THOUGHTS DO FLOW THRU THEM!,
NOT CONCERNED ABOUT WHICH TYPE OF THOUGHTS SPECIFICALLY:
NOT CONCERNED WITH THE QUANTITY OR EVEN QUALITY OF THE THOUGHTS:
NOT CONCERNED DIRECTLY OVER THE FREQUENCY WITH WHICH THE THOUGHTS FLOW,
OR ABOUT THEIR CHARACTER [N COMPARISON TO OTHER MENS’ THOUGHT:
NO, THOSE WHO WANT TO BECOME THEIR OWN EXTERMINATOR & RID-THEMSELF ARE NATURALLY-BORN BOTHERED BY THE MERE NATURAL-BORN CIRCUMSTANCES IN WHICH THEY ARE A NATURAL-BORN MEDIUM, OUTLET, AGENCY,
AND ALL-AROUND, ‘RETAILER’ OF THOUGHTS ON LIFE’S BEHALF.”
THE MAN-STYLED-CUSTOMER’S EYES BEGAN TO SQUINT IN A DEEPLY STUDIOUS FASHION, BUT THE “PURSUER-OF-THE-UNWANTED’ WASN’T THROUGH WITH HIM YET — AND FURTHER ELABORATED:
“TO TRY AND RID-YOURSELF WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING WHAT YOU’RE DOING, THAT IS TO SAY: WITHOUT RECOGNIZING PRECISELY WHAT IT MIGHT BE THAT A MAN MIGHT BE ABLE TO RID HIMSELF OF,
AND REALIZING EXACTLY WHAT IT IS THAT A MAN CANNOT RID HIMSELF OF:
NOW THAT SOUNDS OBVIOUS ENOUGH AND EASY TO COMPREHEND,
BUT [N ATTEMPTED PRACTICE IT IS, (AS WE SAY IN THE EXTERMINATOR’S TRADE):
A BITCH!
WHILE WE STAND HERE TALKING ABOUT THE MATTER,
IT IS EASY ENOUGH TO SAY AND AGREE WITH THE STATEMENT THAT A MAN
CANNOT ‘RID-HIMSELF’, (OR, MAKE ‘CHANGES’ IN PRESENT CONDITIONS IF YOU PREFER),
UNLESS HE KNOWS WHAT THINGS CAN BE CHANGED, AND WHAT THINGS CANNOT BE,
BUT THE STICKLER HEREIN IS THAT;
UNCHANGEABLE IS THE THING
WANTING CHANGE! —
— OR PUT EVEN MORE AGGRESSIVELY:
UNCHANGEABLE IS THE DESIRE FOR CHANGE UNI THE THING THAT IS UNCHANGEABLE.”,
…AND BY NOW, (TO TURN A PHRASE), THE MAN WAS “SWEATING FRIED POSSUMS”,
99063-7
AND THE EXTERMINATOR, APPARENTLY RECOGNIZING THIS,
PUT HIS ARM AROUND THE MAN’S SHOULDER AS HE GENTLY NUDGED HIM
TOWARD THE DOOR,
AND AS THEY SLOWLY WALKED IN THAT DIRECTION,
“THE SCOURGE-OF-SCALES-&-SORES” WHISPERED SOFTLY IN THE MAN’S EAR:
“LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY:
THERE WAS ONCE A FAUCET THAT WAS MANUFACTURED IN THE COLOR RED,
WHEREAS SUCH FIXTURES ARE NORMALLY NEUTRAL [N COLOR,
(THAT IS: OF NO DISCERNABLE COLOR….JUST PLAIN & METALLIC LOOKING),
NOW TWO THINGS PARTICULARLY INTERESTING ABOUT THE CIRCUMSTANCES
IN WHICH THIS ALL TOOK PLACE:
FIRST IS THAT THE RED TINTED FAUCET, HAVING NO MIRROR,
OR OTHER ABILITY TO SEE ITSELF
HAD NO KNOWLEDGE OF ITS
ANOMALISTIC CHARACTERISTIC,
AND THE OTHER INTRIGUING, PERTINENT ASPECT OF THE TALE IS THAT
ALL NORMAL, UN-PAINTED FAUCETS,
NOT BEING EXPECTED TO EVER BEING EXPOSED TO ANY BUT THEIR OWN KIND,
WERE NOT MANUFACTURED WITH THE CAPACITY TO RECOGNIZE ANY OTHER TINT.
BUT THEIR OWN,
AND THUS ALL OTHER FAUCETS WERE AS UNAWARE OF THE RED FAUCET’S
UNUSUAL SHADE AS WAS THE RED FAUCET ITSELF.
…YOU COULD SAY THAT HE WAS:
“A R-ARE BREED IN A COMMON HERD,
WHOSE RARENESS WAS RECOGNIZED BY NONE INVOLVED.” — SO,
HOW COULD HIS RARENESS BE OF ANY INTEREST?!;
IF HE WASN’T AWARE OF IT, AND NEITHER WAS ANYONE ELSE,
WHAT IS TO BE SAID OR THOUGHT ABOUT SUCH A SITUATION
THAT COULD BE OF ANY SIGNIFICANCE?!”,
AND BY THIS TIME THEY HAD REACHED THE DOOR,
AND BEFORE THE MAN REALIZED WHAT HAD HAPPENED
HE WAS OUTSIDE THE EXTERMINATOR’S SHOP,
AND THE ENTIRE AFFAIR THREATENED TO BECOME A DREAM.
99063-8
A CONVEYANCE THAT INTERMINGLES ITS CONCEPTION OF ITSELF
WITH ITS IMPRESSION OF THAT WHICH IT CARRIES
CANNOT BECOME BUT CONFUSED,
AND IN BEING SO RADICALLY MISTAKEN AS TO ITS OWN TRUE NATURE
ANY ATTEMPTS IT MAY UNDERTAKE TO MODIFY ITSELF
ARE DOOMED FROM THE OUTSET.
EVERYONE ACKNOWLEDGES THAT YOU CAN’T MAKE GABERDINE TROUSERS
OUT OF POSSUM SKINS
BUT ANYTHING MORE COMPLEX THAN THAT WELL,
PEOPLE JUST DON’T NORMALLY THINK ABOUT.
AND THERE IS THIS ONE MAN WHO LIVES BY THIS MOTTO:
“‘TIS BETTER TO CURSE ALL FORMS OF DARKNESS THAN IT IS TO TRY AND LIGHT
EVEN ONE LITTLE CANDLE
AMIDST THE UNUSUALLY — ‘WINDY CONDITIONS’
IN WHICH MEN GENERALLY FIND THEMSELVES.”
…PERHAPS IT WILL ALL TURN OUT TO BE JUST 4t
…WHO’S TO SAY, “NAY”?!- — CERTAINLY NOT THOSE DREAMING.