Summary = TBD
Condensed News Items = See Below
News Item Gallery =jcap 93041 -1110
Transcript = None
Key Words =
Living around other people can make you smell funny — — Staying around yourself — even WORSE!.
Men who enjoy philosophy, psychology and other forms of rational recreation
Don’t really care a whole bunch for stuff like this.
Everyone’s born with a view —
Everyone’s born with a pocket full of genes.
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If somebody points — and you take it seriously — then you’re as serious as they are.
If someone points — and you take it seriously — then you’re as dumb as they are.
It is too short a step from watching someone else point, to you staring.
* If life had intended man to be of limited sight it would have given him only two eyes. *
When Independent Buses are called out, ordinary travelers say: “I can’t hear it.”
— Which is what makes the situation what it is.
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Inside of one man’s universe his stomach said:
“I shall be the center of your individual solar system.” And his mind whined: “But you ALWAYS get to be!”
Query: Just how long IS, “always”? — and what the hell does all this crap mean?
World’s Fastest Test:
How To Tell If You Are Civilized Or Not: Do you feel somehow, guilty for being alive?
And from our Science News Desk:
Several reproductive biologists, who stumbled into the area of psychology, discovered some curious facts.
Present Conditions asked Local Reality:
“What’s the dirtiest trick you figure Life’s ever pulled on men?” —
And they both knew the answer to that one: Making man believe he’s responsible.
I do here feel obliged to point out that at the level at which such
Entities as those two converse, the term, “dirty trick” doesn’t mean at ALL What YOU think it means.
Is like a man with a fancy new FM Tuner who is developing a taste for static.
When it came time for some meaningful disposal out-the-back-door,
One man looked at the collection of his present intellectual children,
Then instructed them: “Okay, all you babies get back here in the bathwater.”
And another page from our Definitions Desk:
Culture: The asphalt with which man paves his way to Paradise.
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One man compiled a list of, “The Two Hundred Ideas That Shaped the Western World.”
But discovered that there were only seventeen.
One of the mind’s overlooked talents is its ability to live on the top floor,
And believe it is no longer dependent on the building’s super, and elevator operators.
The capacity to function and grow in The Land of The Implausible
Is the hallmark of human intelligence.
The Combined Liver & Pancreas Lobby registers this complaint:
“We could’a been contenders.”
One man decided he would become either a Serious Poet, or a Spokesperson For The Gods;
He did this on the basis of him having real yucky thoughts,
And figured if he shared ’em he might feel better.
Lions speak with authority when defending territory, food or family;
Men attempt to do so when they don’t know what they’re talking about.
Have you ever noticed how even those with the least of theatrical pretensions
Can so effortlessly slip into dramatic tones of whining and blunderbuss?
Nice story, Todd, but that brings up a question in my mind:
Which is the more civilized: News items that speak of, “One man” did so-and-so, or
Ones that would refer to, “MAN” as being inclined to do so-and-so?
Why does it have a different feel if you speak of a
Specific, individual man as an example of something,
Rather than about humanity in general?
….Well, it was just a thought.
As fast as they can;
But what strange notions,
They have of the band.
Now for some, Medical News:
It has been determined that everyone has some mites in their brain,
And a man wondered: “Might that apply to me?”
Later, the All-Questions Choir began to sing:
“What A Mighty Fortress We Have In The Hands Of What Might-Be.”
From the jaws of older, physical hungers
Has man fearlessly snatched contemporaneous, intellectual uncertainty.
“And that”, declared his mouth, “Is how it’s ‘sposed to be!”
Look Out! — Progress Down Below!
One man went from “Taking himself seriously” — to
“Criticizing others who do.”
The power of the collective and the needs of civilization are such that
Ugly people can establish Ugliness as the standard-of-beauty.
A person interested in quicker affairs would instantly realize that
Man routinely uses the above in ways far beyond the physical.
In a land where all pigs are retarded — none need feel left out.
Those who yet cannot taste how life is always fair & just
Must still be wearing that Infant Tongue Protector.
What sneers are to good-humor, so is ordinary dumb-knowledge to independent thinking.
Comparisons ALWAYS make for interesting bed companions.
And as regards something mentioned on our previous news show,
In a feigned show of, “good faith,” life sent word that we should tell you
That in another tale IT turned over to MAN and said:
“I didn’t hurt you did I, honey?”
And now some news from the world of the arts:
A writer was asked why his books were so popular and he replied:
“Well, I believe there are several reasons:
One is, that I don’t know, and another is that I always try and tell a good story,
And I also give meticulous care to plot details.”
When the ordinary run out of demons they round up mirrors;
And when they get bored with those, they re-invent their demons.
If the physical dimensions of graves were expanded,
Even. John Philip Sousa would attempt to turn around and head back this way.
“Question Time” portion of our show:
How can you spot a civilized intellectual in a crowd of happy people?
If you recall people intellectually, you tend to take them and their actions seriously.
Wise up, chump — take a well-deserved lesson from those ever-silent genes.
Men have two ears so as to properly hear the two natural sides to every question;
Anything beyond that is UN-natural.
Talking between the cracks
Can cause some listeners to
Break their backs.
And please do not forget our motto:
The human mind is a funny thing to take seriously.
If you can explain yourself away — you can explain ANY thing away.
And the All-Human Choir began to sing: “But Why Would We WANT To?!”
…(That’s one of the problems with-these amateur musical aggregations —
They always expect you to provide them with “all the answers”!)
Who went by the self-appointed name of, “The Opposition Geezer,”
Said it was his job to see that all of the bronze statues stayed properly lubricated;
Someone in the crowd asked if he didn’t mean, “oiled,” and not “lubricated,”
And the man replied: “Someone my age knows the difference between
‘Oiled’ and ‘lubricated’.”
Thus do the arts, people, and some other things, operate — I guess.
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A Full History and Description Of: “Social Position”:
Only those who can’t think have, “betters.”
The Way The Upper Reaches Of The Human Spinal Cord & Nervous System Seems To Have Developed Thus Far, From ‘Best-Guess-Views” From Below:
Men tend to think of their minds as a potentially “deadly weapon”
But, with apparently only “rubber bullets” presently available.
Oh, and here’s an interesting little Sidebar concerning the news itself that
Some of our viewers might enjoy:
On this one world it is prohibited to have a story with an Intro that is longer than
The item itself. Weird, huh?! And now back to the regular news.
The woman-called the school:
“Johnny won’t be-in today — his mind’s still in a tourniquet from last week.”
Making someone else’s hair stand on end is no great trick
— unless you’re running a trained dog act.
930 41 -33
This evening’s cartoon feature is entitled: “Neurons Against Hormones,”
And believe-you-me — it is a REAL belly buster.
From our Viewer’s Mail Bag comes this question concerning a recently reported story:
“IF indigestion causes wars, then what can stop them?’ —
Ahh, come on sir, you know the answer to that as well as I do!
Now on to our animated comedy —
….(that is, our OTHER animated comedy.)
One man admitted:
“Contrary to my own good understanding, I did once take something seriously —
It was actually someone, but it amounts to the same thing.”
…(He also said as he was leaving that he didn’t really approve of
Admitting things either, but that since it was just between us,
And the deed was already done, that he’d let it slide.)
The Origins Of Human Intelligence And Speech:
Eden didn’t exist until Adam was shown the door.
A man pondered: “Is this why, over your shoulder,
Everything looks so….so….well, so much gooder, and different?”
Those who know the Roots of Z,
Know also the home of A and B.
* Looking-back teaches little, if you look too far — or, too close. *
One possible, “Paramount View” of what men like to think of as the question of, “The Truth”:
The Truth: That which presently can’t be said.
Anyone who knows anything extraordinary got it from another planet.
Please do not forget your motto:
I shall not be fooled before my time.
930 41 -3 8
And now some Sports News:
In private — even idiots are serious.
Several viewers feel as though this story is incomplete, and unfair;
So I guess I should expand it to meet such objections:
In private — even idiots are serious,
And conversely, in private, the serious are all idiots. There!
Oh, by-the-by, Biff, (a bit of history thrown in here),
Did you know that one of the very first things frontal lobes and civilization
Came up with when they came out of the dark forest was
The concept of there BEING a “private” in the world of man.
“No, Jackie, I didn’t know that.”
Well Biff, now you do.
Now here’s another listing from our, “Serious, Not-Serious Files”:
Fleas are not serious — flea SPRAY is.
The retired general,
Now performing as an instructor,
Told the assembled:
“Back when men were more frightened — they were more alert.”
And one in the class raised his hand and asked:
“Is your reference to the physical, or the intellectual?”
And the ole boy looked around and replied: “What the hell does that mean?”
Moral: Ducks can teach you about swimming, but NOT about the proper culinary preparation of fowl dishes.
And the Many People’s All-Star Chorale gustily sang out:
“We Knew! – Yes, We Knew — That, Dear Friends — Already, Already.”
93041 4 1
Local reality made men invent human languages so’s to keep them from listening to
certain other stuff.
An intellectual, non-partisan is not only a man who can think — and see —
— but one who can hear, as well (if not better).
Those who purport to speak for the gods
Are men standing up on a bus who want EVERYBODY’S seat.
93041 -4 3
Do quite well,
Where goo and lightning meet;
But most attraction,
Tween thought and action
Takes place someplace else.
Men were originally inspired to invent hand grenades and other explosive devices
After having tried to swallow stuff like this.
Rather than take regular vacations,
Whenever he had free moments
This one man would be a blue jay.
“Hand grenades …Hand grenades — Won’t you be my hand grenade.”
Question Number Eighteen on the, “Potential Night Club Owner’s Exam”:
Do men who are easily offended intellectually make good bouncers?
And now for tonight’s “In Depth, Personal Interview”:
“One man used to play the accordion until he found out how dumb it was
“Do you mean the man found out, or the accordion found out?”
“Hey, who died and left you to be ‘Mr. Question Man’?”
In a sister city,
One man is presently doing his doctoral thesis on the subject of:
“Why So Few Non-Famous Persons Are Ever ‘Interviewed’.”
Human speech is the world’s most amazing circus performance;
A tightrope act wherein the artist is also the wire upon which he performs.
Mans’ Creed, (As Imposed By Local Reality):
To live an upright life — you must take yourself both personally and seriously.
…(This coupon cannot be used in conjunction with any other offer.)
Toilets: The ultimate in-door, house-broken, no-fuss, domesticated pet
For the people named Bubba and Edner Mae.
Who reside in the trailer park,
Deep within the bowels of us one and all.
A civilized man,
With a civilized name, said:
“Don’t try and include ME in your little Definition,
For I no longer LIVE there.”
— Right! sir — that’s what they ALL say —
Once they automatically progress to the point of thinking to SAY such things.
One thing that the dumb — (that is, the ordinarily intelligent)) — cannot do is
Stop what they think of as, “thinking.”
The way in which everyday people try and help their everyday-people “fellow man” Is not unlike attempting to sell leather jackets to cows.
One man’s motto was:
“That which does not cripple me, makes me stronger.”
He says he took it from a matchbook cover advertisement he read
While waiting to have himself tattooed with a similar sentiment.
Local Reality reminded Present Conditions:
“Whenever you’re about to fire the starting gun for another human race
Always remember to aim it at their little feet.”
As the family strove to become ever more civilized, the father so instructed the young:
“Never spit in the garbage.”
930 41 52
One man thought: “If blood doesn’t reach my brain, it won’t work!”
And his mind said: “Well how about ME?!”
And the man said: “Oh, you know what I mean.”
Theme song from the, “Land-Of-The-Land, And the Home-Of-The-Home”:
“If You’re Just Gonna Die ANY Way — Why NOT Stay in A Herd?!”
Moral-Gnaral: If he who writes-the song,
Can keep you singing his song,
He’s forever “got cha with a capital “G.”
All The All-Herford Chorus began to softly hum:
“Oh No! — Oh My God, Oh No!”
Independent News Broadcasts: Dance clubs for the mind.
And here’s another item from that list we mentioned earlier:
Illness, not serious — treatments, serious.
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“Men invented sports as a substitute for warfare.”
“Well, what did they come up with to replace thinking?”
(And the first speaker replied): “What the hell kinda question is THAT?!”
930 41 -5 7
Butchers believe the gods are offended by rude body noises;
CEO’s of food processing conglomerates believe, improper thoughts will get the job done.
And lo — (in a Fairy Tale) — they were both right,
In that on a faraway world,
The planet’s atmosphere coughed and said:
“Phew! — and, Ugg! —
With what terrible odors do the creatures pollute my very being!
And what triple yucky excuses do they offer in excuse thereof. Yuck, Phew, and, Ugg!”
93041 5 8
Being Born On This ‘Planet: The intellect’s, ‘Coming-Out-Party’
And genes’ Death Warrant.
Two – (clap-clap) Yes, TWO funs for the price of one.
At city level —
A “smart” man can become a “smart ASS” man —
…..it’s damn-near inevitable.
And now, more news:
Just before they die, some animals get really irritable.
It is reported that in certain parts of the world there are humans who
Can do the same while alive.
93041 6 1
In his intercontinental, continuing attempt to understand things
Which didn’t seem to be intended to be,
One man thought:
“What if — for instance — the ‘History Of The Western World’
Was written by those of The East?’
Anyone who still believes that this planet is round simply by, “accident,” just hasn’t been paying close attention.
930 41 –6 2
And now another item from our, “Picture Dictionary”:
A Civilized-Intellectual Offering Serious Instructions
Regarding Man’s Mental Or Emotional Life: A man publicly bleeding from both ends.
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Physical conflicts end with a period — not so, intellectual ones;
Query: Which is the superior and the long-distance runner?
Cells eat cells — ideas eat other ideas.
As regards the matter of, “Well Placed Seriousness,”
On a scale of from one to ten — most people rate unnecessarily -high.
Once all of the legal and medical testimony was in,
Many of the defendants left town,
And some of those who’d previously left, returned.
930 41 -6 7
Civilized men, no longer free to engage in physical combats,
Now try to kill one another with words.
Why would someone who can think ever take what silly people do seriously?
…(Would you like me to rephrase, and rearrange that sentence?)
The reason that ordinary, civilized men have so little interest in the idea of
Trying to think more independently, and more than is necessary
Is that it might kill them.
After listening to news broadcasts and reading some books, a man thought:
“After I die — I want to become a hero ….I wonder who you have to see about this?”
If the news doesn’t seem to be about you — three- or four-minutes worth is about all you can stand.
To Think-For-Yourself is to
Dance with yourself,
In a way that can’t be explained.