Audio = Stream from the bar; download from the dots
03/17/1993
Summary = TBD
Condensed News Items = See below
News Item Gallery = jcap 93033 -1102
Transcript = None
Key Words =
The News
Once civilization had wiped away the afterbirth, and could
stand, it decided: “Thinking is too easy a job to be left to
professionals.”
***
And now from our “Play-Action Desk” some scores that never
get reported: The Dumb: 2. The Critics Of The Dumb: 1.
Side note: These scores are never reported because no one wants
them reported!
***
On planet Earth — at this particular juncture in it’s
development — there are two kinds of human creatures, with whom
it doesn’t matter what-they-say; those who don’t know anything,
and those who know exactly what they’re talking about.
***
One man claims to have a simple yet effective method in one
area — proposes he: “Never deal intellectually with any subject
or person you’ve ever heard of.”
***
Sheep always want to worship, or follow somebody.
***
Children don’t want to be told “no”; teens don’t want to be
told anything; adults don’t want to be told that time is running
out, and the old certainly don’t want to be reminded that: “We
told you so!”
***
And not another out-cropping from our fields of “Yes, You Can
Believe It, Or You Can Suck A Turnip”: Those who want to be
“helped” — don’t want real help.
***
There is an uncharted part of the human brain that tells
some muscles, and certain hormonal functions: “Hey! — what
d’you guys think you’re doing?!”
***
When it comes to their passionate participation in the great
human drama, no one has ever been arrested for “Over-acting.”
***
Many who would like to go on a “mysterious journey” like it
best, in the beginning, when the trip seems — Oh!…well…so
“mysterious” and all!
***
Men who don’t know much don’t mind if nobody else does
either. “Say-y-y! — then that’d just leave the Real Thinkers to
do all the worrying!” — “Say-y-y! — yo mama!”ù And now from our
Geography Desk, this report: The universal, serious — the
local, ridiculous.
***
Tip: Never say “our” when you can say “the”; never think
“the” when you can think “mine.”
***
With your critical faculties properly developed — all
drugs taste the same.
***
A “Human Interest” story from our Meteorological Desk: When
it storms — dogs run for cover; covers run for the closet, and
closets make for the basement. “Hey! — there weren’t any humans
in that story?” “Yeah — and isn’t that interesting.”
***
If you need help thinking — you’re a plagiarist — pure and
simple.
***
Those who don’t know how to get the most from living, always
seem to find death, a fitting metaphor for life. Another:
“Strange — But True!” item — and even stranger because it is
“strange, but true.”
***
Our Neural Fashion Editor would like to include this follow
up to an earlier news item: “With your critical faculties
properly developed — all drugs taste the same” — and: Nothing
ever fits quite right.
***
One man hates only inanimate objects — and only then, for
their human characteristics. …(He says he’s far too busy to
try and figure this out.)
…..Scoop: There is a reason that some things can’t be
“figured out” — and it’s not that old worn-out one.
***
The dumb, so badly wanting to help one another, is primarily
what causes them to be so potentially dangerous.
***
“Thinking,” As Done By The Ordinary: Damming a river.
***
Some time prior to sixty-seven hundred b.c., after men
realized how unique they were on this world, and after they
realized how little this meant, they began in earnest, making up
all of the stuff you see now.
***
Under city conditions, when the sport first starts: Parents
scare their children; then fifteen years later — the children
scare their parents; then forty years after that — everything
scares all of them. New, Illegal Health Fact: Hormones do not
“age gracefully.” The reason humans put numbers on their
uniforms is just what you’ve suspected it to be.
***
A real thinker has a lot invested — but not in stocks and
bonds, or anything else that the collective might see capable of
a “pay off.”
***
When cornered: Kick, threaten, or think naughty thoughts;
you will later be judged so as to determine to what degree you
are “civilized” — although such a finding will prove useless.
But, Good luck, all the same.
***
“Maybe”ù is meaningless — unless you’re the one saying it.
* Don’t put off ’till tomorrow who you can “put-on” today. *
** The local gods just love-e-e a smart-ass! — Don’t believe
it?! — Just ask them! **
***
The reason there are so many variations written on the same
theme of the so-called “human condition” is because there is
nothing left to say.
***
Due to the physical conditions on this planet, most dancers
find it easiest, if not most pleasant, to favor one foot over the
other. * A real thinker can fly off the ballroom floor. *
…..Related sidebar to that last news item: A “Thinking
dancer’s”ù most obvious problem is in ever finding a band that is
playing music conducive to his desires.
***
From one of our reporters in the field comes this field
report-cum-query: “What is it in common with both comedians and
priests that make them have such an interest in humility?…”
***
Where their atomic reactor should be — some men are born
instead with a coal mine there.
***
A potential thinker who finally relents and relaxes is like
a diner on a train who — after just one meal — swells up to six
hundred pounds and leaps off to his death…(sort of…like.)
***
Appearance, and behavior count most with children, sheep,
and stupid adults.
***
The “Simple Test” remains: If you want to gauge how much of
an independent thinker you really are, just note how easily you
are offended and insulted. The “Double, Simple Test” is also
still valid: Just consider how much you think about other
people. * Hormones feel for friends — but a real bud’s neurons
would leave them be. *
…..And from our Traffic Desk, this report: Remember: Even if
a real thinker is not your friend — at least he’s his. …Be
careful and don’t skid on that ice out there.
***
Once men had firmly established the concept of having
“attitudes,” it was only a short putt to developing “conflicting”
attitudes, proverbs, tombstones, and confetti! — and there’s
been no stopping him — ever since.
***
And now for some (HA,ha): “Harsh Facts”: Once you go past
a certain age, not thinking-for-yourself — it sure is hard to
change tracks. Addendum: A real thinker doesn’t mind “harsh
facts” — since: If they don’t concern death, or root canal work
— they don’t apply to him anyway.
***
When one man was accused of having wasted his whole life
studying beavers, he defended himself: “Well if it hadn’t a been
that — I’d a wasted it on something else.”
***
A short follow-up to that last story before we go to a
commercial: When you are an identified “Intellectual” amongst
the collective, it is hard to actually ever be seen as “wasting
your time.”
***
And now! — Now, once again! — Yes, now, one more time:
The world is divided into two groups; those who don’t mind being
placed within such a limited range of possibilities, and those
who mind intensely!. Oh yeah — the first group, in reference to
the second, said: “Well, fuck those pretentious smart-asses.”
See– when the gods are temporarily indisposed, numbers can take
over and just love-e- which ever local creatures need to be so
embraced. “Yes Professor, it is good to know that someone is
always in charge around here.” “Hurumph.” “I’m sorry — what
did you say?” “Hurumph.” “Oh.”
***
A Chronology: The mind was born; it perceived disorder; it
invented the word “disorder,” and now tries to change it.
***
There is no such technology, or creature as an alarm system
— built by man — that can guard itself.
***
Scene from a wider, non partisan’s view: Everyone is
environmentally responsible — you’re here aren’t you?!
***
Hormones love their mother — neurons, having none, build
grand structures — then bow thereto.
***
One man pondered: “Perhaps if I can think of everything
possible to be thought, before I die — I won’t die.” (Note:
This is too-o-o close to the truth to be scrutinized any
further.)
***
One man was rougher around the edges than he was in the
middle — …but he was pretty rough there too. Editorial Aside,
Side: Many news items refer to “One man” doing, saying, or
thinking this-or-that, when what is actually intended is a report
on all men — …(but you know how touchy some folks can be!)
***
One man said: “I am extremely tired of hearing man ‘talked-
about’!”
…..A man who will complain about “being took” is sure to be
took again.
***
As the people began their celebration of, Saint Cynic’s Day,
local reality suddenly announced that at sundown all participants
would be shot; then at the appointed time, announced that they
would not — and then shot ’em. When later interviewed, it
noted: “Well, what else is life for! — if not ‘live and
learn’!”
***
The “Intellectuals” of the collective, must, perforce:
“Rest on everyone else’s laurels”: An independent thinker (off
by himself) only does so when it suits him, and whenever he wants
to smoosh other peoples’.
***
Masked-Psychology revealed — right before your eyes: An
inlaid puzzle is responsible for the pieces that fit inside it.
Now you can’t say you’ve “never been told!” — of course you
can’t say you have, either! “Honey Bunch — is that why you keep
bringing me to this arena?!…”
***
Ordinary men don’t know exactly what to do with their mind
— and thus, reasonably so — they do nothing.
***
In his own private way, a real thinker’s thinking comes
awfully close to an act of passion.
***
A viewer asked a member of the news team: “Exactly what do
you mean by the term ‘Real Thinker’?” And the reporter replied:
“Gee, I don’t know what to tell you.” Thus is the Legend Of The
Real Thinker reborn, again.
***
There are things the body does that the mind will say
“embarrasses” it — this is not so; there are things the mind
does that embarrasses itself, and it just wants to lay-off the
blame.
***
If you go into civilization, there’s always somebody there
to tell you something.
***
One man assures us — “Your fortune would be made!” — if
you could just figure out how to copyright stupidity.
***
Elephants originated the term “just desserts” to help drive
man out of their foraging areas.
…..Men who will believe anything will ultimately believe
everything — this is how the routine mental garden grows.
***
Click-a-dee-clack — Woo woo — Chug-a-chug-a: In a
thinker’s compartment, the subtle snare is that if you get upset
about one thing — you’ll get upset about many — Hell! — all.
Chug-a-chug-a — Woo woo — Click-a-dee-clack. From our, Food
Desk: There is no end to hunger — that’s why it’s so good for
you.
***
The fact that men have made up everything they know, is
still so disturbing to many, that there remains a readers’ market
for so-called, Holy Scriptures.
***
Everyone’s a poseur “in their own home town” — this in
part, is what everyone enjoys enough to keep them there, and
coordinately — makes leaving impossible.
***
Yet another question — a “curio” — about which men seem
inclined to gather around the old campfire and discuss to the
early morning hours: Why is it that as men rise up the
collective’s ladder of academic recognition, their demeanor
correspondingly increases in silly solemnity?! …”Say there
Gabby — I done axed you a week ago now to hand me a new stick,
and throw a fresh brain on the fire.”
***
On this one mental planet, a man who can make good
comparisons can marry anybody’s sister.
***
Perhaps the most daring, rewarding, and intellectually
challenging of sports is: The attacking of other people’s
dreams.
***
Anyone who swears that can take you, where they’re going —
ain’t going nowhere.
***
The really great thing about being a “follower” is that you
don’t have to go anywhere.
***
And now for that portion of the program that some like to
call: “Animals And The Meanings Of Certain Words”: Envy: Rats
searching for bigger traps. Hero Worship: Same definition.
***
The intelligent look ridiculous doing anything in unison —
which — for self protection — is why the army makes you do so.
***
What passes for thinking among the collective is whatever
they say will pass.
***
Standing in the midst of a most civil environment, one man
thought: “Being offensive simply for the sake of being offensive
— sure can be offensive.”
***
If you can think-for-yourself — you can pick on anybody —
’cause then you understand that there’s nobody to pick on.
***
The first sign that a mind is getting properly rusty is that
it becomes able — nay, even desirous — of making qualitative
judgments regarding the minds of others.
***
And now our “Viewer’s Quiz” for the night: What could
possibly be more difficult than to: Get older without dying?! —
Why that’s simple, of course: To get older without getting
serious! You might chew this around a bit, and come up with the
reason “why” men so enjoy a silly corpse.
***
One man started his own private newspaper just so he could
write to the Editor and complain.
***
A mind that won’t “take sides” will never depart the
Delivery Room — and can thus never make its way to the
Geriatric Ward. All human exhortations amount to the same thing,
and can be summed up in one: “Honk If You Love Despair.” One
man says he finally quit watching the news — because too much of
it was beginning to seem somehow — connected!
***
All criticism is a form of intellectual forgery.
***
A childhood of less than fifty years is too little for a
real thinker. “Yes, Doctor Snyder, there is much the human
infant must learn to prepare for life.”
***
One man sat and pondered: “I can make my plants happy, I
can make my dog happy; I can even make my skin happy — so what
the hell happened regarding my mind?!” One of the benefits the
ordinary derive from being religious is that they can distract
themselves from muscle aches by developing headaches.
***
Being able to use thinking as an extremely pleasurable,
personal activity is a thinker’s birthright.
***
The laws governing the life of man are so-o-o simple, that
once he became civilized he had to make them more complicated.
***
Inside of everyone’s mind is another mind, and inside of
that one seems to be another mind, and inside of that one, still
another one — and — So what?! — what difference does it make?!
Just look what you’ve done with the first one!
***
No matter how it is described — the “faith” of the dense is
always a “faith-in-behavior.” …(Understanding this also
explains why no other creatures here have, or need a concept of
faith.)
***
One man’s in-town observation: “Institutions sure-e-e can
be touchy!”
***
A Fact: Being able to “think for yourself” makes it
possible to manipulate others at will, bend them to your desires,
and generally take advantage of them in anyway you see fit.
Note: This is actually a “fact” after being “had at” by a happy
thinker with an X-Acto Knife.
…..And a related item to that last story: Fact: Ordinary
minds are this planet’s only creature who — if you announce that
something is a “Fact” — will immediately accept it as one.
…..Oh, and look here, B.J., still one more item connected to
this on-going saga: It is reported that the “Fact Factory” is
not at all pleased with the continuing stories circulating about
its product. …And I’m sure we haven’t heard the last of this!
Now back to you.
***
An original thinker never runs out of anything to think —
That’s why — (way back when) — they asked him to leave the
party early.
***
From our department of: “Hormones Look At Life”: If you’re
alive — you’re rich! …well, at least as rich as you’re gonna
get.
***
Being Civilly Educated: Wanting a pension before you ever
work. And from our “Truth In Media Watch”: Making sport of
definitions is truly an easy game for some to play! The just
read is another fine example of how the truth doesn’t hurt if it
concerns something you don’t care much about anyway.
***
A man, who’s not really sure what he’s talking about, can
keep talking about the same thing — if he wants to! …what’s it
to you?!
***
The very moment you’re born, everybody is a bird — but you
immediately lose your wings, and forget your song. …(See! —
isn’t that just the kind of story you were wanting to hear
again!)
***
Looking at the reflection of his mind in the mirror, the man
addressed it so: “You can break-into my house — you can break-
into my heart — but I’ll be damned if I’ll let you break my
legs, crack my head, split my lip, and give me headaches from
here-to-December, and me not take any defensive action.” …(His
mind — being the sweet devil it was — winked and grinned
mischievously back at him.)
***
And this interesting item from our, Archives Desk: All of
the great men who ever lived left secret recordings of
themselves, and the reason you’ve never heard of them is because
in many cases, of the poor sound quality, and in others, due to
some of the really stupid things they said on tape.
***
And from our “Tag Team Definition Desk”: Children: People
who throw-up. Adults: People who throw-up children.
***
Men who won’t change are dead — and those who don’t wantù to
change — wish they were.
***
“Would you like to just wrap-up the matter once and for
all?”ù “Not really — but we can temporarily pretend to.” “Okay
— then here goes: Any and everything that man does can be seen
as a metaphor for man! — Neat, huh?” “Neat.”
***
A “thinker-in-a-herd” is like the only law abiding saloon
secretly open in a town of staggering, unruly teetotalers.
***
From tomorrow’s combined “Ethics, Religious and Philosophy”
Desks comes this item: No matter how else it is described:
Trying to be a “better person” is trying to think more.
***
Everybody had a really neat hobby when they were a kid! —
and then you went and grew-the-hell up.
***
Some people would rather be dead than broke; some people
would rather be dead than ugly; some people would rather be dead
than be ill; a real thinker wouldn’t rather be dead than
anything.
***
And now from our “The Past Is A Blast” desk: When one man
finally realized what “looking back over his shoulder” was doing
to him — he did away with his shoulders.
***
Only peckerheads stand around awaiting “The Return Of —
Pecker Man!”
***
Attention! — Dwayne Beavers! — Paging, Dwayne Beavers! —
Please pick up the Courtesy Phone — Dwayne Beavers.
***
On this planet, Man was original, Homotus Diexus, and became
Man by saying amongst himself: “Come, let us be more than,
Homotus Diexus.” Yes — it was that simple — that is all it
ever takes.
***
Those who secretly know what to do with their minds,
secretly live there.
***
Entering the charts this week for the first time — and
coming in at a very impressive, Number Seven slot in the old Top
Ten is this brand new song (by a very old, established artist):
“Anything Man Can Do, Man Can Do Better.”
***
Everything the collective, en mass, thinks — it stole from
one thinker’s mind! — and he’s absolutely delighted about it.
***
And back by popular demand: “Sexology For The Lay Person”:
If the intellect could have orgasms — everybody would want to
go to bed with a real thinker.
***
An original thinker has an endless source of ideas.
***
And now this: Get on the ground and — crawl like a snake;
get in the water and — swim like a fish; jump off the roof and
— fly like a bird, and — get-on-outta-here with yo bad, bad
self.
***
The ordinary don’t see what’s so funny — the routine never
get the joke.
***
And finally: Tonight’s “Exit Answer”: “You know — it’s
funny when you think about it.”
***