Summary = TBD
Condensed News Items = See Below
News Item Gallery = jcap 93032 -1101
Transcript = None
Key Words =
The News
93032- 1
Only those who can think can understand someone who can think.
93032–2
Once they realized that heat always rises,
They only hung real cold men from real low limbs.
93032- 3
From our, “Yes, That’s Still How Things Work” Desk:
In the city, the height of hipness is to make the non-hip think you’re hip.
93032-4
One man’s day-to-day, working premise is:
“If you’re going to LOOK for trouble — try over where Fourth Street crosses Elm.”
* People who take their troubles “seriously,” don’t find anything funny about them. *
93032-5
ANY thing hormonal is an acceptable excuse for any neural shortcoming —
— Except with a real thinker — and even then it is …..except it’s not.
93032-6
From the brochure announcing this year’s,
International Conference On The Critical Issues Facing Man,” the following topics are listed as various session subjects:
“What Shall We Do?” –
“Why Should We Wait?” –
“Who Shall We Do It With?”, and,
“Who’s Gonna Pay?”
93032 7
Oh, Scotti — here’s a little “insider’s story” regarding that last item that you and our viewers might enjoy:
When our Assistant Editor for Religious Affairs here at the station
first heard of the conference, he was most enthusiastic,
and in fact was encouraging all of us to attend —
until he read through the program thoroughly and realized he was not invited to speak, and then threw it down and said; “Ah, fuck it.”
At which time, Captain Irony again attempted to fly in through the window of our fourth-story news room, but discovered it still boarded up.
Okay, back to you, Scotti.
93032-8
Thanks, B.J. —
And now:
A whole new episode in the continuing day time drama of: “How Life Can Make You THINK It Works”:
One person said that he could be the, “Daring young man on the flying trapeze,” if he but
had the nerve,
was not so old,
and had a trapeze.
93032- 9
Surprise, Surprise:
If you don’t know what you’re doing — it sure is easy to see how others don’t either.
93032-10
Out on life’s battlefield,
You can always spot the “draftee-thinkers” amongst the troops —
— They’re the ones who look even more pissed off than everyone else.
93032-11
A Short Person’s View of The Philosophical Question: “What is our purpose in being here?”:
Our purpose in “being here” is to — be here, and be dissatisfied about it.
93032-12
Advisory advisory:
No matter what it is — if something’s not entertaining — it ain’t shit.
93032-13
One man’s private grasp regarding the limitations of education: (Grasped he): “Simply knowing geography won’t help you get lost.”
93032-14
And this item from our “Welcome” Desk:
If out-spending someone else makes you feel superior to them, then — “Welcome!” — Welcome to one of the world’s less exclusive clubs.
P.S.: The reason people don’t generally give this much thought, or try to figure it out is because they’re pretty sure they easily could.
93032-15
Only the ordinary are sad for ordinary reasons.
For that “very special” occasion,
One man painted himself up like a Greyhound Bus,
Grabbed his riding crop and yelled out:
“On, you mighty musher! — On, I say!” (What a day.)
93032-16
A follow-up to a previous news story we broke for you:
Okay — change has killed more people than heart attacks.
93032-17
From our, Travel Desk:
In his own head — where ever he went, this one man was a hit!
And from our, Insider’s Note Pad:
If you don’t have “a desk”, you can’t have any news or is that, “a head”?’
93032-18
One man’s private prayer-cum-soliloquy:
It’s hard to be entertaining when you’re a goof — Except with other goofs.
Thank GOD for other goofs.
93032: 19
Dogs have mechanical fleas — men, words.
93032-20
If an ordinary man’s stomach was not smarter than his brain,
he wouldn’t be around long enough to ever look on top of his spinal cord and say:
“What the hell’s that thing?”
93032-21
Another Example of How Civilization Takes Hold of Different People In Staggered Stages:
A man says to a potential assailant:
“I don’t care so much if you physically attack me — kill me even -but don’t make me MAD!”
93032-22
This Public Service Announcement was sent to us by the Tall People’s Foundation, and it reads:
“Yes, some short people can be ‘happy people’ — especially if they are docile.”
And upon questioning by one of our reporters, a spokesman for the organization admitted: “Yes, that statement did originate in the Propaganda Section of the Foundation, but that does not affect its validity whatsoever, since some of our most educated members are in that section.”
93032-23
Stretched out on the thick rug in front of the fireplace, a dog mused: “Maybe I’ll become a ‘Back-to-nature’ dog, and leave all of this.” But then fell immediately to sleep as his master entered the room.
The news team and I would like to warn all of you children who may be watching that under no circumstances should you try and take such a story metaphorically, and in any manner try and make it apply to human existence.
And now, back to the news.
93032-24
And from our Arts & Entertainment Desk comes this story:
Everybody has something, “deep inside them”
— but in most cases, it’s not anything.
93032-25
Combination Update and Shocking Revelation:
If you’re alive — you’re in prison.
93032-26
Neural Trekker’s Tip:
When you’re “lost in the woods,” get OUT OF the woods!
93032-27
Thought one erstwhile cynical observer of human nature:
“If anyone wants me to strip them of their bogus personality, and reveal their pretentious posturings for what they are, I suppose they’ll come ask me.”
93032-28
How, “Justice-On-The-Plain” can ride off in that direction — or, back in this one:
A single man, alone, can control a many-headed herd.
He can also — with no outside assistance — be run down by a herd.
93032-29
The taste of fanaticism is difficult to rinse from the mouth.
93032-30
A special segment from our, “Neural Sports Desk”:
One man disguised himself as a masked wrestler —
But it did little good –
for as soon as he left the dressing room and stepped into the arena, he immediately recognized the crowd.
Yes, Biff, many a strange game is played in many a man’s head.
Yes — Bye, Biff.
93032-31
Thinker’s Advisory:
No one can appreciate even his best thoughts as much as the thinker himself.
93032-32
The weak and stupid have always enjoyed believing that their human actions can bring pain to the gods, and have now expanded it to include the planet as well.
Men do not stand in some particular “relationship TO life — but are a part of it …there is a difference.
93032-33
Only those of ordinary, sitting-down intelligence,
believe that things of extreme importance happened in the past — oh, some important things may have occurred in the past, but only going-nowhere minds ever think about them.
93032 -34
Performer’s Tip:
If you don’t have any personal talent – do a satire of someone else who doesn’t either — done right, this can be passed off as something else entirely.
93032-35
A man with good definitions and a ticket
can go farther on a bus than a man with just a ticket.
Note: Good travel advice is NO-0-0 joke!
93032-36
For the benefit of the viewers who wrote in to request reprints of one of our previous items, we will now just repeat it for you on the air:
If you don’t know what you’re talking about,
look really sincere, and get a real whiny sound in your voice.
93032-37
Intellectual Conflicts: Sissy versions of REAL conflicts.
93032-38
How The Intellect Works Regarding Everyone’s OWN Personal News Show:
If you misquote a man, he won’t care — if it makes him famous.
93032-39
According to one imported, “Theory-Of-A-Standard”:
The way to tell that you’ve become a true, independent thinker is that: Everybody else’s ideas bore you- — but you don’t mind.
93032-40
From our city “Medical and Stuff” Desk:
Dysfunctional people need to be treated — that’s why they ARE dysfunctional.
93032-41
At times,
this one man who kept struggling to break loose from the invisible restraints, would suddenly shiver at the sight of his everyday existence, and think:
“Far be it from me to complain,
but at times — just being alive can be too much of a free ride and downhill coast.”
93032-42
The religious who are truly civilized have more faith in their holy book than they do their god.
93032-43
Local reality reported to the home office that
on this one world it was extremely easy to make the nervous laugh; and the word came back: “Then calm most of them down.”
93032-44
Religious Update:
Gods come and go — but words are forever.
93032 45
And from our Top Forty Hit Parade, still holding down the number six slot. A fav repeat from last week:
Everyone who can think, wants a drug for their mind — but many are ashamed to come right out and ask.
93032-46
The reason the human brain has two hemispheres
Is so you can lay on your left — or– lay on your right:
Roll thee over, sweet Claudius, and sleep thee tight.
93032-47
A man who’ll let the human actions of others, “get him down,”
Is likely the same kind of man who — if bitten good by an alligator –would probably say:
“Well, JESUS! – now, would you just look at that!”
93032-48
Human Update, Update, Update:
Had “compulsive gamblers” been cats– they would have, by now — licked up the Milky Way’s largest hair ball.
93032-49
As man’s mind awaits “further developments,” many developments develop further.
93032-50
Sometimes a dog will swallow a morsel so quickly and wholly that it is not even sure that it did so —
— sometimes a real thinker does this.
93032–51
Animals finally agreed to let men use them as allegorical stand-ins for themselves in fables once they realized how desperate they were.
93032–52
One man says that neither a change in the weather,
the team standings,
or his health– ‘fools him” for a second!
93032-53
And these scores from the, “Mixed Doubles and Conversation” events:
“Everything the world knows, it stole from a thinker.
“I thought that was fire?!”
“Right.”
93032-54
The only prison unique to man has vowels and consonants for bars.
93032-55
Another Signpost Along the Road Of Progress:
Sponsorship started out to support arts and entertainment -Now they exist to support sponsors.
93032-56
Immediately after the music had stopped,
The mayor stood up in the stands and declared:
“Let he who is without advice, throw out the first ball.”
(I’m sorry, Your Honor, but that ain’t the way Civilization is played!)
93032-57
Amongst the collective, individuals, no matter their talent, become popular through repetition.
93032-58
And from our, “Outdoorsman” file comes this report:
Being sophisticated, hip, cynical, and otherwise “worldly-wise-and-weary,” will surely grease the bullets we must all eventually catch in our teeth.
A million years ago here,
there was a sub-species of human type creatures who were offered the chance to eventually learn how to “think individually,” but who passed when they discovered that to do so would not increase the octane rating of their present aggression.
Throughout the eons, (and even the neons),
Real-thinking has said many, many things,
But one of them has never been: “Well, ex-CUSE-E-E ME!”
93032-59
Many minds survive in an unexploded “irony field.”
93032-60
From our, “One View” Desk:
From one view —
If there was a reality behind man’s notion of
some great, “Secret Work” in which he might involve himself, the elusiveness of its location would be due to the ridiculousness of its nature.
93032-61
The ordinary have their sex,
their race,
their religion, nationality and culture;
while a thinker has his mind. . . . . AND, all the fun.
93032-62
Whenever you doubt the singularity of human life, just remember this: That man “MADE-UP” every single word he knows!
93032-63
A Song:
(Opening verse in the key of G):
Blood and guts,
Blood and guts;
It ain’t much, just,
Blood and guts.
(Now modulate up to A flat):
Lightning flashing,
Partisans passing;
It ain’t much, but,
It’s all I need.
93032 -64
First thing every morning —
(Well, at least on those mornings when hormones didn’t already have the upper hand) -This one man would say: “Boy, is my brain hungry!”
93032-65
A Brief Description Of The Overall Workings Of The Human Intellectual Engine, And How It Continually Expands Itself:
A writer publishes a book;
A reviewer criticizes the writer;
A media analyst appraises the reviewer,
And a writer begins work on a book about a media analyst.
93032-66
Neural Show-Biz Maxim Update:
A real thinker is only as good as his last thought.
93032-67
Anyone who takes the noise of ordinary speech seriously — is no thinker.
…Well…okay….I guess we can slip one in really quick — if you insist — here we go:
“The world’s divided up into two groups; Those who blank ______, and those who blank _______(See, now you can fill it in later with whatever you like.)
93432-68
An Equation:
With density sufficient — shame not possible.
93032-69
And this special feature from our, Literary Section:
Men who write aphorisms and proverbs are just too lazy to write anything longer — No, that’s not correct:
Men who write aphorisms and proverbs are too smart to have to write anything any longer.
A real thinker is a man who gives himself “magic carpet rides” — said carpet turning out to be a Whoopie Cushion.
* Reconstructive surgery doesn’t work above the neck line. *
93032 -70
And now a late breaking development regarding a story we brought you earlier this evening:
Reconstructive surgery doesn’t work above the neck line — was that short enough for you!
* The dumb need to appear obvious.
93032-71
A Short Course in Something:
If you want to feel sympathy for others — first, feel sorry for yourself.
93032-72
A real thinker has a strict code of mental “moral conduct”—NOT!.
93032-73
It is proper for the old to denounce the arts and activities of the young. After all, it’s all passed them by and shown them up for what they are — old.
93032-74
Bureaucrats, (and Others Employed By Civilization): Soreheads on salary.
93032-75
And now an item from our, Simplification Desk:
The main thing in life is to stay warm! — unless you’re already too hot! — — in which case, tune in again tomorrow for further instructions.
And this late-breaker from our, Crime Beat Desk:
A man with a gun
And a man with an exclamation mark met face-to-face
In a dark alley. . . . .
93032-76
Men have made-up a whole-e-e lot of things — including at times — themSELVES.
93032-77
After being assigned to this one planet,
The Traveling Muse of Poetry & Allegory called back to the home office and complained: “Why’d you send me here?! — The hip don’t like metaphors,
and the dumb don’t get ’em!”
93032-78
Just because a particular question is asked over and over again, the ordinary assume it has some significance.
93032-79
Those who don’t know anything, don’t care what they say;
And those who don’t know anything but claim to know things extraordinaire, really don’t care.
93032-80
In the normal life of man—there is a “sissy” version of everything!
“My GOD!”, be-thought one chap, “What if MAN is a sissy version of something else?!”
93032-81
Disturbing Events: The one thing ordinary minds can safety predict.
Corollary: Why men so love-e-e to talk about the disruptive: Same reason.
93032-82
One man’s advice to his son: “Don’t ever be rich and famous unless you WANT to be.”
93032-83
If your own mind is not first, “bullet proof,”
then you’ll never work your way up to a caliber sized shell capable of doing yourself any real damage — and thus of doing yourself any real good.
93032-84
A thinker’s externally directed “attention span” that exceeds five or ten seconds
is probably stretching things a bit.
93032-85
Despite the many other multi-faceted views,
One way that the ordinary stay sane and stable is BY thinking the thoughts of others.
Another fascinating item from our, “Dig It!” desk —
…(which, those with minds quite busy enough already, may wish to skip.)
93032-86
Only those who know something,
and some of the routinely deluded,
believe that things are always getting better —
…And only the latter ever mention this publicly.
93032-87
When men forget how the music goes — they’ll start singing the words.
93032-88
Watching ants blindly follow one another in a line gave some men an idea about how to think.
93032-89
One man’s theory:
“Some nice people act nice just to cover up.”
93032-90
Under ordinary conditions, there’s been many a smart man who lived —
they just didn’t live long enough.
93032-91
A man who feels the need to offer not only his art, but explanatory comments thereon — has a continuing rash.
There is a certain balance to life that makes man’s mind think: “This sure is out of balance.”
93032-93
And now from our Myth Department, “Today’s Cartoon” (or perhaps I have that backwards):
One day, in a most stern voice, a local god said:
“I want everyone who’s been writing about me to line up against that wall over there.”
Quotes are the method whereby those who don’t know anything can appear to know at least something.
93032-95
If you wish to be a civilized philosopher,
there are two ways to reflect on the nature of life:
One is on the basis of how man has lived it thus far,
and two, is as compared to some other model, or standard.
This arrangement serves as:
Encouragement,
Regimentation,
A promise,
A threat,
And all of the fuel necessary to
Drive the engine of the intellect ever forward.
93032-96
If time was uniform, everyone would be equally developed.
After years of attempted reflection on the nature of life,
one man finally spat and said: “I’m tired of playing-with-my-mind!”
And his mind said: “YOU’RE tired?’
93032-98
Humility: Neuron’s version of, docility.
93032 99
A man whose public life is also his private life — ain’t much of a man.
93032 100
News OF The News:
People like to be interviewed because they can pretend like it makes them momentarily ‘think” more.
93032 101
If the regular ole, “news of the world” makes you sick, just think what the REAL news could do for you.
93032 102
Becoming Civilized, (aka, Growing Up): Painting your point-blank-wall a nice beige.
93032 103
As per one man’s hypothesis: Similes are nothing more than “metaphors with no backbone.”
93032 104
A Potpourri of Possible Descriptions of: “Thinking For Yourself”:
Thinking For Yourself:
Fighting the inevitable;
Offending your defenses;
Never sending for help;
And,
Reviving the dead before they fall.
– That’s all. –
93032-105
All creatures have expectations, but only man talks about his —
— which turns them into something else.
93032-106
Often when he’d make a straight-ahead, unequivocal statement,
this one man would add:
“Of course, I only speak for myself . . . . . and sometimes I don’t even do that.”
93032 107
The ‘down-fall” of man is always yesterday.
93032-108
Whenever he would reach the point of total exasperation with the way in which his mind was dealing with some particular question,
this one man would slip away to the seclusion of his personal library, and seek direction once again
from that apparently inexhaustible book of wisdom:
“How To Repair A ’49 Packard.”
93032-109
The dumber you are the safer it is to go ahead and be serious.
93032-110
To help assure his continued progress, one man held his old self hostage.
As contrasted to the ordinary’s “Hold On To It At Any Cost” attitude toward the past,
anyone who can actually think worth a damn has a willful-loss-of-memory that is razor sharp.
One man could never improve on his first thought
— that’s how you could tell he was a real thinker.