Summary = TBD
Condensed News Items = See Below
News Item Gallery = jcap 93030 -1099
Transcript = None
Key Words =
The News
93030- 1
Only the old die young.
— Believe it! —
93030-2
As soon as men left the “snake stage” and began to think,
the first thing this did was scare the bejeesus out of ’em!
Once you understand this — everything else begins to fall in place.
93030- 3
No matter how ridiculous,
Anything that anybody says has some passing validity — at least for the length of time it takes to say it.
93030- 4
One man’s observation –
(Which appears to be for the purpose of trying to camouflage what seems dangerously close to being a gripe).
But, observes he:
“There’s always somebody complaining —
and if there’s not — there’s always somebody willing to come do it.”
93030- 5
When it comes down to living-life-as-it-must-be-lived
A man who has a “philosophy” to go by
is just like a man who doesn’t have one . . . . . . except he has one.
93030- 6
From our ever popular, Two Groups Desk:
The world is made up of two groups:
Those who most dislike how other people look and act,
And those who most dislike how others think and speak;
And then there’s everybody else — (which is composed of the first two groups).
93030-7
There is growing evidence to show that
Talking about history favorably does little to change it.
…(May as well get on out there and bad-mouth that sucker.)
93030- 8
One man wrote all of his best ideas on little cards with magnetic backing, and put them on his refrigerator door.
He first planned to put them on his mind —
But then realized where he spent the greater time.
93030- 9
Anything that hormones will naturally do can be used as a temporary excuse for not thinking.
93030-10
If a calf didn’t love its mama better than any possible idea, he’d never grow up to be a cow. If a man can’t do the reverse, he’ll never realize his full potential as a man.
93030-11
How Intellectual Machinery Operates In Some Literate Circles:
If you don’t know what to say next — quote a statistic.
And if you don’t know a statistic, makeup one, larger than any listener wants to think about.
93030-12
Serious, Civilized Existence: The cartoon show that’s always playing on your set!
Yeah, yeah, I know – but it doesn’t matter whether
you have a television or not —
— the definition still stands.
93030-13
From our, Transportation & Information Desk:
You’ll always ride the bus unless you can learn to call your own stops.
93030-14
“Just think,” thought one man,
“If it weren’t for the power of gravity, dust would stick to the bottom of tables also…
But,” he thought on,
“How to explain what does similarly occur regarding my mind,
and much of the crap I seem doomed to think about?!”
93030-15
Explain it any way you want — the fact remains: To criticize is to plagiarize.
93030-16
Dialogue Between Two Unidentified Creatures:
“Once you’ve said everything about man that can be said—what’d do then?”
“Well, you could just slap your thigh and say: ‘Ahhh – go on — get outta here!’
93030-17
Most people have at least one hot-spot-topic, (be it political, religious, or otherwise), about which they are particularly passionate,
and which seems to make their intellectual life tolerable.
(A nonpartisan thinker has other spots to fry.)
93030 18
An ordinary man
Who believes that he can ordinarily, “think for himself,”
has been secretly forced to commit suicide, and just hasn’t fallen down yet.
Some hormones asked some neurons: “How long can the dead stay alive?” And the brainy ones mused: “What a curious question.”
93030-19
And this just in to our, Ballistics Desk:
You can’t kill a merry go round —
. . . . and not because it’s against the law.
93030-20
Some times when he felt weak,
and it was like his intestines or something had his thoughts all disoriented, this one man would dress his mind up as a real attractive two by four.
93030-21
Don’t forget — (all you would-be thinkers):
Trying to do something unnatural — is “un-natural”!
93030-22
Another silly, cartoon hostery — I mean, history, of man:
When he’s young, the desirable present seems too far in the future;
When he’s mature, the longed-for future now seems to be shuttled about,
and always kept just out of his reach;
But, WHOA! Hey! — Whoa! — once he gets old… Yeah-
— Once he gets OLD . . . then we got ourselves another story on our hands
Has it never tickled your attention,
how much of man’s myths regarding past, extraordinary figures have to do with their death??
One man now says he doesn’t even want-to go OFF to a desert island. — IF death is going to prove to be a metaphor for ANYTHING.
93030-23
And now this, from our department of, “Overheard Words Passed Between Persons”:
“Well, if you don’t think about life—what are you going to think about?!’
“You could think about yourself.”
“Ahhh — go on — get outta here!”
93030-24
Rules were made for sheep to live by. . . . they need them.
93030-25
At the age of thirty, one man believed he had the secret of life, down in 17 short words. At age forty, he had it reduced to 12,
and by age fifty, he was closing in on six — and then he just up and quit talking about it!
93030-26
An Intellectual In-Law to that last item:
Only those who expect anything from anybody else ever get pissed.
(Do please note that this corollary refers specifically to human-type, intellectual-based situations.)
93030 -27
From our, Newly Mined Proverb Desk:
Those whom the gods would flummox — they make serious;
Those who they would confuse twice — they make take OTHERS seriously.
And a personal observation, (if I may), from this reporter: My, but aren’t the gods a tricky lot.
(In fact, I think I was just tricked into saying that!)
93030-28
Knowledge: The only pie — forever cut — that never dies.
93030-29
World-wide Slogan Time:
The collective is your friend! –
The collective is their friend! –
The collective is your friend! —
The collective is their friend! –
What more the hell could you want?
93030-30
When you show up late — and the bus has already left — SURE! — then EVERYBODY
can come up with a metaphor.
93030-31
And from our, International Arch-Lit Desk, this story:
Men began writing books once they realized how dumb they were.
P.S.: Science came soon after — as an even more aggressive attempt to, “cover up.”
93030 32
One man thought he was beginning to have his own distinct brain waves, but it just turned out to be an earthquake.
93030 33
As cows get old, they all begin to smell Chicago.
The Sheep Council Of Elders announced:
We’ve fought for sex,
We’ve fought for grass;
But now we’re old, and can,
Rest at last.
Some out-of-time, lightning-struck neurons had this last word: Is it any wonder then — that the old de-SERVE to die! — we know WE would!
93030-34
Being a teacher, preacher, or reporter
is like the supreme form of acceptable, in fact ofttimes praise-worthy, plagiarism.
93030-35
To be properly “civilized” is to have a bottomless bag of excuses.
93030-36
And now a new feature on our show that we call, “Sexology for The Lay Person”:
One man refused to any longer be a prevert after he realized he’d been misspelling the word.
93030-37
We have momentarily run out of news —
So, we’ll fill in by giving you the weather, sports and traffic reports,
and any other crap – that actually happened — until we can get back to some good stuff.
Thank you for bearing with us.
93030-38
The concept of “thinking for yourself” is like a well-greased eel —Verbally, it is ultimately meaningless,
but not as meaningless as it is to continue NOT thinking-for-yourself (Or whatever you want to call whatever it is that you do now.)
93030-39
One man received a daily letter from life —
Though life wouldn’t admit to it — because the man never asked.
93030-40
To help things go on like they’re going–men believe that their minds are tied more directly to their alma maters than they are to their stomachs.
93030–41
There are two types of people: Those who make history, and those who record it.
(You might also care to note that
both groups end up just as dead and only dead to show for it.)
93030 -42
Acquiescence is not the same as axle grease–but close.
93030-43
Neurological Sewing Tip:
When it comes to your thinking — if you don’t change the pattern, you’ll never change the outfit.
93030-44
Men are inclined to believe what they hear — or at least believe it is serious enough to be or not be believed.
See — this leaves only us to actually think about all of it.
93030 45
Men normally know they’re “important” when other men tell them they are.
93030-46
And this item from our, State Legislature Desk:
There was once a particular colony of ants who began to believe that they could be more than merely, “ant-like,”
and although this was not so — their believing it made a world of difference.
93030 -47
Genes want man to remember — for as long as he does, THEY’LL never be forgot.
Hey — in case you hadn’t noticed –hormones invented selfishness — neurons just stole the idea!
93030-48
In everyone’s neighborhood is a single sidewalk —
— and you can walk up that way — or back down this way.
93030-49
There’s one sure way that the ordinary can tell a real thinker — and that is that they can’t.
…(Well, hell — HE can’t hardly!)
93030-50
As a last-ditch stand,
The stupid will settle for being taken as, “dangerous.”
93030-51
And now — A Fashion Update:
Singing-the-praises of the dead
helps keep the slow footed from having to
pull-up-their-drawers and face what might be laughingly referred to as:
“What the living are up to — right now.”
93030-52
In the early stages — everybody smells a rat — but only a real thinker keeps his nose out of joint.
93030-53
News item from one of our out-of-town stringers:
You can have your choice in life: You can either have, “good posture,” or “be rich.” But not both! — so which’ll it be?!
93030-54
Another example of how life can carry on outside of man in wholly unconnected fashions:
Men discovered gravel after they realized how dumb boulders were.
93030-55
One man’s motto was:
It’s not the death, but the dying;
It’s not the failure, but the trying.
His brother had’a companion slogan:
It’s not the deed, but the doing;
just a smoke,
after screwing.
Once life realized how dense man was going to be for a while,
it provided him with interim aids such as:
Alcohol,
Nicotine,
And nouns to distract him from verbs.
93030-56
– Oh!
And this little quickie from the old, Rumor Mill:
Some birds don`t like hearing men referred to as: “Bird brains.”
93030-57
Me past speaks with one voice, and many ears listen — OR it speaks with many voices while but one ear appears to hear.
93030-58
Why are wars fought? —
Men say because of politics, religion, and conflicting philosophies, but wars are fought because of men.
..(Those shy, unassuming old souls — I don’t know why they just don’t go ahead and accept the credit.)
93030-59
“Cause and effect” exist in only one place — in small minds.
93030 60
From our, “Psychological Certainty news desk:
Every sane and civilized man,
Has within his psyche,
Two distinct personalities — not always perfectly compatible.
P.S.: This is not true, but believing it is makes a bunch of stuff tolerable.
93030-61
And a man wonders:
“Well, if a news show is not a metaphor for life — then just what IS a news show?”
93030-62
If you don’t “think-for-yourself”, but do talk,
then you’re a shill — a cheap shill.
93030-63
One man claimed he kept his mind on a “pretty short leash,”
And every time his mind heard about this, it’d just grin and shake its head.
93030-64
Men who like to talk about themselves are like radios, suspecting of many broadcasts, but who find themselves locked on to just one station,
and are driven to try and conceal the fact by the endless quantity of their noise.
* Cacti aware of their barren terrain are inclined to turn flora-reflective. *
93030-65
One man told his mind: “I wanna trade places.”
93030-66
Every time the Muse of Civilization selects a new group of people to take in hand, the first thing she does is make them begin taking death seriously! —
– Because only after that will they start taking living seriously enough to become civilized.
93030-67
A man who is not privately ashamed to steal the ideas of others possesses no real sense of shame.
93030-68
Cultural Reverence: Homage to vomit.
93030-69
The less you can think for yourself the more inclined you are to whine.
93030-70
Some hormones looked aver their human host reflected a bit — then rhymed:
We don’t seem so smart-um,
since becoming post-partum.
93030-71
Human Thinking: The gradual attempt to get the limbic system, “over it.”
93030-72
All animals are serious about “staying alive”: A few, when not being so serious, can play.
Man is the only one who can confuse the two.
93030-73
And this letter comes in to our Advice Desk:
“Is it possible to be civilized and still not be unnecessarily serious?” —
Yes, it is — if you don’t let anyone know about it.
93030-74
A man who can be flattered will also sit still for other unspeakable acts.
93030-75
Everyone on this planet is born believing that they can think — this saves a lot of time.
93030-76
Cows are warm blooded and herd oriented —
For the beach — thinkers have ice water and themselves.
93030-77
All Human Speech: Continuing metaphors for a “point-blank-wall.”
93030-78
Those who want to seriously study and discuss the possible causes of “human nature,”
are such an integral part thereof, that – they never will understand it.
93030-79
Mirrors were made for sissies.
93030-80
One man tried being nice to his mind,
but after coming to realize how sentient creatures relate to one another on this planet, he continued to appear so while actually trying now to make it SUBMIT!
93030-81
History: Neurons attempt to pretend they’re as important as hormones.
93030-82
And now, an Announcement:
Hey! — if life needed your help, it’d ask for it! —
Hey! It asked — and,
Hey! You volunteered!
93030–88
Everywhere he looked — one man saw stuff. . . . and thought about it!
93030 -84
If you didn’t discover what you know, you don’t know anything.
93030-85
A man who can think doesn’t need a slogan. . . or a logo . . . . or a leader.
93030-86
To himself — just to himself – one man thought: “If it weren’t for thinking — I’d go crazy!”
. . (Not, may I note,
your average, “thinking-to-himself” kind of guy.)
93030-87
One man paused: “I wonder if I could bribe people to think?
93030-88
Conversation Between Two More Unknown Conversationalists:
“A man who finally understands, ‘too much,’
is like a pencil that’s been worn and sharpened down so much it can no longer write.”
“Yeah-h-h! Ain’t it great!”