Summary = TBD
Condensed News Items = See Below
News Item Gallery = jcap 93026 -1095
Transcript = None
Key Words =
The News
93026- 1
Nothing can make a man so righteously pissed as his own stupidity —
— which is why the ordinary must lay the blame somewhere else.
93026- 2
Keeping live rats in your cupboard will discourage dead ones from coming around.
93026- 3
Everything measured locally is ultimately mis-measured.
(It’s known as “progress,” son)
93026-4
Human thought–
As normally played —
Seems to both widen and narrow the vistas of possibility.
93026- 5
One man always opens his act with this comment:
“I’d like to begin by doing for you, my very first Number One hit, but I don’t have one.”
Such is intellectual “life on the road” — in a small band.
…(I did mention he was a solo performer, didn’t I?!)
93026-6
And now,
From our, Alternative Explanations Desk:
Men believe they are dissatisfied for some great spiritual or metaphysical reason, but the truth is that they are just naturally nervous creatures.
93026-7
Neurons,
Having little idea what to do with themselves post-natally,
by and large spend their time writing odes-to, and hurling curses-at hormones.
93026-8
The old can realize that they’re getting old — but not the dumb.
93026- 9
Dumbness: Being a one-armed man in a one-armed world.
93026-10
After studying the matter, a man said:
“The human body is not really all that complicated –
It just has a whole lot of little small parts.”
And another man noted: “That’s equally true with the intellect.”
And another added: “It also applies to the universe.”
And still another said: “Same’s so for life as well.”
93026-11
If you will pretend to be in a hurry you can pretend to make more mistakes.
93026-12
From our compounded, “In One Sense” Department:
In one sense,
The collective don’t get it “because they don’t WANT to get it.”
Cause in one sense,
If they DID,
They’d then have to say: “NOW, what’ll we do?!”
So — In one sense,
No matter HOW things are — they’re probably “better off” LIKE they are!
93026 -13
Life puts two teams on the field:
The first one believes that the game is fixed, and doesn’t want to play, and the second one believes that the first may, or may not be correct.
* PEA-NUTS! — Get put hot roasted PEA-NUTS! *
93026-14
Something For a Thinker to Think About During Commercials:
You might consider just how popular are the news areas of:
Health,
Finances,
Crime and Sports.
Some prognosticators claim that soon Entertainment will be the largest area of interest — What do they think it is now?!
93025-15
The ordinary thinking of man is like children born on a merry go round, who continue to gladly pay to stay thereon,
when the possibility of disembarking is nonexistent.
93026-16
Rhythm has its own intelligence.
93026 17
Hormones don’t know from decency and morality —
Which is why you have to hit them at the door every time to remind them to wipe their feet.
Institutional Education: The attempt to white-wash the glare of the point-blank wall.
Nonpartisan Thinking: The ability to see what’s wrong without thinking that there’s anything wrong.
93026 18
One man wouldn’t go where he wasn’t wanted–except in his head.
93026-19
The collective life of man is a bunch of words in a box.
93026-20
Now, from our Automotive Desk:
We do not actually have any car news tonight,
but in our continuing attempt to reveal how the mind locally works, we offer this example of being able to fill up an announced segment simply with the notice that there is no such news to report at this time.
(See how easy it is.)
93026-21
Civilization: Secular rituals.
93026-22
Human days have twenty-four hours instead of the normal twenty-three
so that men will have some extra time for any last-minute self-pity and seizures.
93026-23
One man lives by this simple motto:
“Wherever someone begins their comment with a statistic, nudge the guy asleep next to you, and run for the exit.”
93026-24
The dead no longer refer to themselves, save through the living.
That’s right! — help stamp out history in YOUR neighborhood also.
…(Come ON-N-N! — you know where your “neighborhood” is — RIGHT-T-T?!) –
93026 –25
Institutional Religion: The collective’s attempt to make the natural trivialities of life become supernaturally trivial.
93026-26
A whole lot of people are just like one person (except there’re more of them).
93026-27
Unless you can – eat it,
Or — sleep on it,
Anything else anybody is trying to “sell you” is primarily — bullshit.
93026-28
From our, Physiological Myth Desk:
Life gave men diverse noses to compensate for their cookie-cutter minds.
93026-29
Since there IS no “program” for the game of life,
Men take the ones they do have to be of supreme — if not, supernatural importance.
Just as tender stomachs need expert cooks –teeny minds need extra-large books.
93026 -30
The Prime Minister asked Parliament to study the question of:
Why it is that if people have already thought all they’re going to by the age of twenty, that they go ahead and live another fifty years?!
93026-31
Humans should be amazed at what they’ve done — but many seem ashamed.
That’s right! — you TOO can be “civilized”! — simply bow your head and shuffle your feet.
Super heroes stole their shtick from originality —
But since they didn’t know how to do it right,
They compensated by wearing capes, and trying to be bullet proof.
93026-32
Talk: The human dance wherein you hold your partner either as lightly,
or as tightly as possible.
93026-33
How To Get The Most Out Of It:
If you’re going to be dumb — be real dumb —
At least dumb enough not to know you are.
93026-34
In city competitions,
The judges award the most prizes to those who most want prizes.
93026-35
What could BE more deadly serious than the silent, feral world of beasts?! — yet note who speaks not thereof.
Long lines at rollercoasters are not the needed proof that man’s ultimate entertainment is fear.
93026-36
A man thought:
“Okay —
So, it may be true that, ‘Hormones never forget,’
but I still don’t see why you can’t go ahead and drug the neurons.”
93026-37
The true, operational distinction between man’s body and mind is in those who believe there is such.
93026-38
Man seems the only creature life will allow to break-up stuff in the store after regular business hours.
930 26 -3 9
Why be surprised at the inexactitudes of life?! — after all,
weren’t you yourself an accident?
93026-40
How can you tell if you’re getting “too smart for your own good”?
Answer: Someone will always tell you.
93026-41
The clocks and calendars of man run sequentially, backwards, obliquely and surreally.
And not only do ordinary men not want to know what time it is or where they are, but also, a REAL thinker REALLY doesn’t want to know.
And remember: If something doesn’t make “immediate” sense to somebody — it also won’t to others.
93026-42
His explanation to the arresting officers was: “My hormones made me do it! —
I myself certainly had no intention of doing it!
and looking back on it now, I can assure you that both me and my mind
regret the whole affair more than words can say.”
And them being the champions of civilized behavior that they are — they accepted his excuse.
Mini Moral: You be nice to civilization — and civilization may be nice to you.
93026-43
The Routinely Savvy: Those whose faces can by cliches be lit.
Collective intelligence does not look for, “short cuts”–it IS one.
93026 -44
From the Religion Desk:
Men don’t actually “make” mistakes — they just pretend to–to make the gods happy.
93026-45
The answer to all philistine and unrefined questions is – originality. All questions around these here parts are pedantic and low-bred, with only individual initiative having any class, or cachet.
93026-46
If all of those were alive today — who were dead today, and all those genes returned — who’d seemed to gone away,
there would be such a family-of-man reunion that many would have to say:
“I had no idea I was so closely related to myself.”
93026-47
An individual operating on the basis of collective intelligence is always left “holding the bag.”
93026 48
When all cows moo — none seem dumber than another.
93026 -49
When conventional, collective wisdom is working “at its best” — it seems irrefutable.
93026 -50
Men must be able to believe that they can “make progress”
in spite of,
and in the face of — everything -that-could-be-of-the-possible-contrary;
One man’s testimonial:
“I have quit smoking,
Begun exercising,
Lowered my cholesterol,
And recently lost over sixteen thousand pounds.”
93026-51
And now — from the, “S Desk” — “Seriousness”:
It is not so much a matter of one being serious,
But rather — what one is serious about!
No….let’s try it this way ’round:
It’s not so much a matter of one being serious, but rather a matter of what one is serious about.‘ No. well. . . . .
Well, here’s another one from the “S Desk” — Screw it!
93026-52
The glare of hormones is more than most neural eyes can bear.
93026-53
One city’s slogan:
“Let us wallow in the past —
Let us dread tomorrow —
And let us romp and stomp the grapes of today till our feet turn blue at twenty-two proof.
93026-54
Don’t waste billions! — leave television to “roll on”! — just turn off your set.
93026-55
The more people you have — the fewer you have to contend with individually.
Thus, it is that a real thinker is a, “hermit in his own home town” — and IS his own hometown.
93026-56
Everyone with a hobby makes it sound like there’s more to theirs’s, than there actually is.
Hobbies: What neurons do in their spare time.
Spare Time: What neurons normally have a lot of.
Avocational Footnote: One man’s hobby was to go about forcibly extracting the word, “actually” from otherwise peaceable sentences.
93026-57
From our, “What One Man Thought” Desk:
When he heard it said that pursuing a healthy life style would make you live longer, one man thought: “Are they SURE?!”
93026-58
And —
Now from our, Notable Quote Desk:
One man says: “Nobody can make a fool out of me.”
93026-59
There are no salable moral arguments for morality —
What life needs for the collective — life sees to it that it has.
93026-60
One man was able to explain his life through the use of Game Theory and Venn Diagrams -…although he said it didn’t help much.
93026-61
And this item from our department of: “Just How Justice Works”:
The only reliable measurement of human intelligence would be tomorrow’s I.Q. test administered to those who died yesterday.
93026-62
And here’s one from our, “Oh No! — Not Again” Department:
One man used to talk to his plants — until he realized how dumb they were!
…(Relative to himself, that is.)
93026-63
When life gets a cold — man sneezes; When man gets a cold — man sneezes; What could be fairer than that, Fatso!
93026-64
A Critic: A man bent on suicide who’s determined to “take-you-with-him” — FIRST!
93026 65
To faux individuals — nothing is more important than the collective; To real thinkers — nothing is more important than anything else — as long as it encourages more thought.
93026-66
When this one man finally realized what words actually meant —
— he was PRE-TEE darned shocked.
93026-67
Man: The only Local creature “pushed around” both from without and within.
Two wolves were talking and one of them said:
“If we could talk the first thing I know we’d say would be:
‘Boy, aren’t we glad we aren’t humans’!”
And the other one replied:
“I think not —
For if we could talk,
We’d realize man’s unique position, and would envy and want to be like him.”
Two dimensional beings only have one environment — and thus cannot sustain consciousness.
93026-68
From our, So What’s The Big Deal Desk?!:
EVERYONE’S sensitive in SOME particular spot! — so what’s the big deal?!
93026-69
The best examples are, “drawn from life” — where else are you going to get them?!
93026-70
One man dreamed of stuff, “worthwhile.” So what?!
93026-71
Creatures live under everyone’s house.
93026 -72
Independent thinkers do not necessarily make anyone happy but themselves.
93026 -73
Heaven, Paradise, and Other Places-Of-Enlightenment-AFTER-Death:
Where one can finally “back up” with no fear of severe tire damage.
93026-74
There is safety in numbers. -There is order in numbers. —
Within numbers resides prudence, predictability and peaceful consequences. —
And also, in numbers is where the ordinary individual feels most at home.
Cows get in a bunch;
Hormones get in a bunch;
Even shorts get in a bunch,
But a real thinker’s gotta have some breathing room.
9 3026 -7 5
People who have a sincere desire to “help you” — can make you wish you’d never been born.
93026-76
There are two treatments for plagiarism:
At the ordinary level — more plagiarism,
And at the advanced — forty-five caliber abandonment.
930 2 6 –77
When neurons speak of hormones they speak in metaphors, whether they intend to or not.
93026 -78
Only the unsophisticated – (and one other minor group) — will accept the obvious as being a satisfactory explanation.
93026-79
All encouragements and exhortations to be civilized and moral are undetonated explosive devices.
93026-80
Collective Intelligence: Temporary help on a permanent basis.
93026-81
If originality is not the key — then the door’s not even locked.
93026-82
So as not to astound himself — too much — all at one time —
One man would sometimes privately pretend to be less knowing than he actually was.
93026-83
Hormones entertain wild animals;
Neurons and hormones entertain man;
An-independent thinker is entertained by hormones, neurons and all sorts of untamed creatures.
93026-84
Being around someone who CAN think
SHOULD act like a pair of open pliers
in the otherwise closed drawer of your mind.
93026-85
Neurons are the last to realize who taught ’em how to talk.
93026-86
And from our, Allegory Desk, (symbolically speaking):
You cannot laugh-in-the-face-of-death
If you still want to tell people: “I can laugh-in-the-face-of-death.”
Death to the brain
Is not the same
As demise is to other parts.
93026-87
To think independently you must have a refrigeration unit in your circulatory system.